unwelcome.

have you ever walked into a place and instantly felt that horrible feeling of being unwanted or unwelcome; like something is wrong and this place, where you are right at that very moment, is a place that you should not be in? you'd think i was talking about a room at school, or a store.. something along those lines. i never thought i'd feel that feeling walking into my own house; the house i grew up in, the only place that i have ever called home until 9th grade, the only home i laid down at night and slept in my bed, in my room. ever since my parents split, its been the weirdest feeling every time i pass my daddys house, which used to be my home, i get sick to my stomach. i don't think i realized how much things have changed until tonight. i went over to his house, with his new gf and nana and pops to have dinner.. and put up the tree and all. it was so weird because i was putting up a tree in my old home, but it wasn't with my family. it wasn't like it always was. you'd think the first christmas would hurt me more than this one, the second one. but the thing that really got to me was after the tree was up, i went into what used to be my room and laid in my old bed, and just stared at the ceiling. i think it finally sunk in... that wasn't my room anymore, this wasnt my home, all traces of me ever living there were gone. my room was empty and ghost like.. and right away i got that feeling that i wasnt welcome anymore.

divorce is a hard thing to deal with. i never thought that my parents would seperate and when it happened it was the biggest blow to the head and heart. its still weird to think about.

also, you hurt me bad today. those words you said.. wow. i dont think i've ever felt worse than i did today. nice going.

the stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most wont hurt you again. 

i miss you. i wished you missed me back. 

oh, it's that time already?

I thought Christmas time was supposed to be "The Best Time of The Year"..

lately I don't know what that saying is supposed to mean. 

I've realized nothing is ever going to be perfect. Ever. Things will start going wonderful, and then hit rock bottom, just like that. It never fails. It's life. 

My life has been a lot of changes lately. Some things I'm not to happy about, but others, I'm feeling so good about. I've gotten a gym membership. I'm working out everyday now and getting in shape and feeling better about myself and my body and being comfortable in it. I'm being a better, healthier me. That's one good thing. I've also downloaded SO much music lately and it's been making me SO happy. I don't think people understand how important music is to me. It lets me forget. I'm meeting new people, stepping outside of my not so comfort zone, just my different zone. 

I'm not going to be around forever. I'm not going to be waiting around forever for you and you have to realize that. I can't keep doing this on and off thing. I know most of it is my fault, because I always do the thing to make it go off, but I can't take the pressure anymore. I'm done with the arguing. I'm done with the nagging. I'm just done. I feel like I'm moving on, like I'm finally getting over you, but it's weird because you aren't here with me. I still feel like I should be wrapped up in your arms laying in your bed, you playing with my hair and giving me the sweetest kisses like the last time i was with you. But I haven't really spoken to you in over a week. We aren't close anymore. You aren't my bestfriend anymore and it's SO fucking weird. I feel like you're supposed to be here. I feel like you don't open up to me anymore at all. I feel like I should give up all together on you, just be done.  Too bad that's much easier said than done. 

the best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting..

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you i'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may of failed
But I have loved you from the start
Ohhhh

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cuz talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When your asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

i miss those goodnight texts.

wow, i haven't written in about a week. here's whats been going on in ol madtown.

my great grandmother passed away and i had to go alabama for the funeral last wednesday. not cool. come home and our cable and internet is out.. thanks suntrust. so thanksgiving was really good though. it was nice to eat my face out. haha.  but the rest of the weekend sucked.. i just can't even describe it. it's been filled with pain, tears, fights, puke, 36 hours of sleep.. ugh.

although so much has gone on i dont really know what to say.. so i'm gonna let these words do the talking..

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorcerous
Cause you just, did the impossible, gained my trust
Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over
Cause if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
Cause I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is "evol", spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion what'so ever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'fuckin' hoes

Blood-suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this?
I've tried in this department, but, I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over
I've got a hole in my heart from some kind of emotional roller-coasta';
Somethin' I won't go on till you toy with my emotions, so it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova.

I miss those blue eyes, the way you kissed me at night. I miss the way we sleep, like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile, i miss the way we breathe. 

Cause when it's going good, It's going great, I'm Superman with the wind in his bag she's Lois Lane, but when it's bad it's awful I feel so ashamed.

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I'd roll my eyes and then you'd pull me in
I'm not much for dancing, but for you I did
Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions 

And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

 

the thing i've learned, you see, is that lies are full of the truth. somehow, deep in it's twisted roots, that lie shows the naked truth. just think about it. it makes sense to me. you don't want to say the flat out truth, so you swerve around it. 

i've also learned that everyone will disappoint you. it's like a promise. it's going to happen no matter what, and there is nothing you can do about it. it's life. but you can't let that ruin everything. of course if they let you down multiple times, reaching an unacceptable point, then you shouldn't have to put up with it anymore. but you can't stay mad when the person you count on lets you down. you just can't, because it was bound to happen one day. remember that.. i'm trying to. 

i've been given out chances every time and all you do is let me down..

i hate sounding like this but this has been one of the worst weeks imaginable. here's the run down, if you care. if not, skip this part. monday i woke up with a feeling that i shouldn't go to school. my gut was telling me that something was wrong. i go anyway.. drug test. cool. pass with flying colors, but i feel bad for many of my friends.. ugh. the days just drag on and on. school is terrible. i don't want to be there. wednesday.. bad night. i finally tell you. it meant nothing. ruined the night. ruined the next day as well. i dont think i've ever cried in class until that day. luckily nobody saw. ha. that night. possibly the best night of my life in so long. so so so long. one word. harry potter. midnight. amazing. then you. i dont think i've felt more alive than being there with you. your voice just made me feel at ease. kinda crazy. it meant soooo much to me. i dont think you'll ever know. then the trouble starts. i swear, right when things start going good, something bad happens that pulls us apart. and it's always my doing. i should have listened to you and just gone to school. but no, i'm stubborn. grounded. joy. uneventful friday night. saturday full of cleaning out the garage. sunday full of the same thing. awesome. 

you ever get that feeling that things aren't right? like.. hmph. it's kind of hard to explain what i mean. it's like you feel like something is just awkward, or you're not facing something, or hiding around some thing that needs to be shown. you feel like you're trying to make something work when you have this feeling something has changed. you have that feeling that there is something you don't know, it makes you not trust, not open up. you become caged up scared of what you're going to find out, terrified that it is only going to make things worse and you really can't handle something else. but what could it be? it honestly could be just you. your silly little head making up something in your mind, twisting and turning things because of the past. but maybe there is something. yet again, maybe not. 

these words seem to be helping me keep sane lately. my granny just slipped into a coma this morning.. and my other great grandma is not doing so hot either. i thought thanksgiving was a time of happiness and family, not mourning. 

"death is new life, the world is painful, amazing but painful, in death, beauty is found, breathlessness cannot be found, heaven exists whether you know it or not, perfection and solace can be discovered, our minds are not allowed to comprehend, our minds mustn't understand that which lies ahead, the longing for that guides us where we must go" -gst

remember this. 

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. "
Bob Marley

so i end here. i dont think i've ever been so confused about everything. literally everything. hopefully sleep will bring a better week, a better tomorrow. 

pax. 

a better me.

i've decided to make a vow to myself. a promise. lately i've noticed i'm not the healthiest little girl on the block and that needs to change. no more sitting around, no more cokes, no lazyness, no more love handles, or belly bumps. i'm making a vow to myself to become healthy, active and lean. become more comfortable with my body and how i look, become more confident then ever. i'm going to. i've told this to myself before, but now i have to live up to it. i can't let myself down once again for being lazy. it's going to change. right now.

along with this bodily change, i need to make changes in myself as well. i don't need to become so jealous, or so attached to things or people, for i have learned that everyone lets you down at one point. but you must forgive, not always forget though. i can't be the other girl anymore. i can't be the one in the back, the not so confident one. i'm going to become proud to wear tight clothes and be excited to put on a bathing suit. yes. soon.

okay alyssa.. don't break this promise. you can do it!

part two.

you're named changed. it's different. when i get a call or text you aren't who you used to be, who you've been to me for the longest time. you're just you now. its so weird for me. i'm used to seeing that name, because you were my superman. you still are, just not mine. i'm trying. i'm really trying at this. 

life is so crazy. i thought i grew up fast, but now i realize that i have so much more to learn and so much more to go through. life isn't easy, life isn't as wonderful as everyone thinks. i sound like such a debbie downer. i've been thinking a lot about what coach head told me friday. "you seem so much like your brother, yet you seem to be more positive then him. he had a negative outlook on most things, but you always come in smiling at me." well coach head... i think you're wrong. i'm more like my brother than you think. lately things seem harder. i'm about to lose two amazing women in my life. Granny and Mema. the only great grandparents i have, and they are suffering, struggling everyday with broken hips, memory loss, not being able to eat.. slowly their time is coming up. it's hard to think about, but it's life. everyone has to leave at some point. i just didn't think i'd have to lose so many people in such a short amount of time.

i think i'm just done with everything. i feel like i'm gettin to that point where i cant do anything else to even try to make things better. "you're just putting yourself through pain, because it's something to feel, but i promise you there is something out there that will make you feel better than this ever did" i love you smitty. 

i dont understand why i love this song so much. and the first one. they just pull at me. her voice is wonderful.

On the first page of our story, the future seems so bright.
And this thing turned out so evil, I don’t know why I’m still surprised.
Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take death to new extremes.
But you’ll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

Now this gravel in our voices, glass is shattered from the fight.
In this tug of war, you’ll always win, even when I’m right.
Cause you feed me fables from your hand,
With violet words and empty threats and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.
Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories.

[Eminem]
This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry that you
pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me
try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’
this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
with you I’m in my fuckin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

pink in the sky.

i can't sleep anymore. honestly. i can't. i used to be able to get in my bed, and feel safe and home and comfy, but lately i don't feel any of that anywhere. today couldn't have been worse, i believe. the blog i posted yesterday is the most truthful thing i have ever said. you can't trust anybody. the world is a lie. people tell you the truth to an extent. they only tell you what you want to hear, and they leave everything else out. i have finally realized that. no more trusting people as much as i do.. no more spilling my guts out to anyone. i really am over high school. i'm ready to be out in the real world. i'm ready to work and travel, be my own person. not someone who relies on others in school. i'm me. not someone who has to wait, lean on, or rely on anyone. i can do this. i can.

some things i learned about myself today while talking with cook;

-i trust people way to easily. one i trust them, i think that i can trust them with everything, so i spill my guts out, only to learn that i shouldn't have told them anything, for it will only be used against me.

-i have to feel needed; loved

-i need alone time. i need time to sit and think, cry, laugh, talk to myself.. i enjoy that time. i must be crazy.

-i try to change people because i think i'm helping, but in reality, i'm fucking things up.

-i'm only in high school. i'm only in high school. i'm only in high school. i have my whole life ahead of me. i have so many people to meet and so many things to do for myself. 

-i've lost motivation.

-i get attached to people. then it takes a long time to let go.

-i'm an adult in a child's body a lot of the time

-i grew up too fast

-i'm a jealous person. it's something i can't help, although i'm working on it.

-i need to start standing up for myself

-i can't stand when people are mad at me, hate me, have something against me, or are upset with me. i try everything in my will power to fix it, even if it doesnt work. i don't give up.

-i'm over emotional. 

-i'm always the one saying sorry, even if i did nothing wrong. this relates to the "cant stand ppl hating me" thing. if i'm in a fight with you, i always say sorry first, because i hate fighting.

-i could never be cheater. ever.

-i love you.

"and in a box beneath my bed there's a letter that you never read"

i have something for you. i actually have 4 things for you. i dont know if i can give it to you or not. i'm to scared. leave your house and i'll leave it on the bed, on the pillow where my head used to rest..

i'm only in highschool. i tell myself this so many times a day, that its like a prayer. i seriously have my whole life ahead of me... unless i die in some accident tomorrow or something, which would be bad. fhdfj anyways. i need to start doing what i need to do now. i need to focus on now, so that i can be happy when i finally get out and get into the real world. i need to do what i have to do now, so that i can do what i want when i'm older. so i can be happy. 

i can make it. 

i can do it.

hopefully. 

last kiss.

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go
Away?

I do recall now
The smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember
The swing in your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake
Me and my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day when I don't miss those rude interruptions

But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips.

So I'll watch you live in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and town
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips
Just like our last

wow.

i'm so ready to get out of this town. i love madison and all, but i'm so done with this small town bullshit. everything is lies nowadays. you can't trust anyone because anything you say, they take it and twist it somehow. then its just plain, flat out liars. something happens and they change the story completely, making it seem like something happened, when in reality, it did not. then you have those that just make up something all together, something that NEVER happened... not even close to what really happened and just parade around town telling everyone the "story". rumors are just stupid cover ups for people to get noticed and get attention. grow up and stop. seriously. 


people will claim they are your best friend, say that you can trust them with anything and that they'll never tell a soul... well if that aint the biggest load of bullhonkey, then i must be stupid. people will act like your bestfriend when you're heart broken, but try and get with the boy that hurt you behind your back. i mean WOW. come on. people need to be smacked in the face. just sayin. 


anyways. this time change in messing me up. i feel like i should just be passed out right now, but i still have so much to do. ugh. joy. 


i'd never thought i'd say this, seriously, but taylor swift is my favorite person right now. she helps me cope.

"now i'm standing along in a crowded room and we're not speaking, and i'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me? i don't know what to say since a twist of fate when it all broke down, and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now."

guhnight. 

uhh.

i seriously had so much to write down, but now that i get to the computer i have no idea what i wanted to say, everything is just erased from my mind. dandy. let me think for a moment.

(after i read everything, i dont understand how you readers understand what i say, because it's just so messy and thrown together and thoughts just crash) 

this week was just a roller coaster of emotions. it started off wonderful. amazing. nothing could have been better. then wednesday it went downhill, for good. one little thing can just throw me off the edge and i hate it. seriously, i wish i could change that. wednesday, you moved, we fought, everything changed. thursday ugh. friday, the day was okay, honestly. i dont think i have ever been to a better football game. seriously. i had the best time there, screaming and laughing and just enjoying the little things in life. PLUS we won in 3rd OT. hell yes mc. afterwards was fun. i'm glad me and my old bfff are gettin bfff again. god i missed her. saturday.. i waited to hear from you all day. but that call never came. it hurt, but i didn't want to look like the weak one, i needed to try and stay strong. too bad i was never strong in the first place. ha. saturday.. i got to see you! i seriously didnt think you were really going to come and see me. dinner was yummy, and of course katie and hannah drooled over you, just like every other girl. its weird though, it was different this time. i didn't feel like i had to have you when you came, i didnt need you to stay or be mine. i'm over you and i dont think i could be more confused. ha. jacobs was.. interesting to say the least, but fun. 

even though i was a wreck, i did have fun. but i only wanted you there honestly. 

they say don't cry because it's over, but smile because it happened.. well, sometimes it's necessary to cry.

this is what i say. there is nothing better than a good cry honestly. the ones in the shower, or even driving down the road. something about them make you feel better, am i right? or am i just crazy? maybe a bit of both. 

i realized today that the song love the way you lie... wow. those lyrics are my life right now. seriously. it came on in the car and i just listened to the words, truly listened and it made me cry. weird. 

just some lyrics for the day.

"i tried to treat you like no other, to be like no other in your life. and i cried to see you with another" 

"hear me out please, hear me out before you walk out that fuckin door. i love you like no other, i do you like no other, i swear to go i motherfuckin tried" 

"baby please come back, it wasn't you it was me. maybe our relationship isnt as crazy as it seems. maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. all i know is i love you too much to walk away though" 

i really need to go do my project. i have no motivation to so anything anymore though. that can't be good. 

growing up.

when i was younger, i couldn't wait to grow up. i would look at my sister and brother when they were in high school, or babysitters.. anyone. i couldn't wait to be 16, so i could drive and do whatever i wanted to do, because i was old and i was grown. i wish i was younger again. i wish i could go back to the days where all i had to worry about was what i was going to bring to show and tell, what mama packed for lunch today, to the day when i thought boys had cooties and i could spend hours using my imagination playing with toys. i didn't have to worry about everything i face now, right this second. death, cheaters, liars, lovers, grades, pain, endless things.

when i look back to when i was little, i remember thinking that when i turn 16 i'll be able to do anything. what i didn't know was i could do more then than i can do now. 

death. hurt. pain. 

when i was younger, i never thought i'd have to face any of this. i thought i was going to be invincible, superwoman. boy was i wrong. at only 16, i've been to more funerals than i want to think about. the first time i had to face death was when my uncle passed away. i was only, god, 6? i remember that day to the T. i was wearing a purple tshirt with some jeans and some goofy socks i got for christmas. my cousins were over and we were watching a movie. it was the day before my birthday so i couldn't be more excited and happy. then daddy pulled me into the kitchen and sat me up on the counter and told me that uncle lance was gone, that he left and went to heaven. i remember not really knowing what he meant, but i knew i was supposed to be upset, sad. he told me not to tell will or lindy yet, that i had to stay in my room. the funeral was so hard. that was the first time i saw anyone in my family cry.. my mama, daddy. grandma and grandaddy.. everyone. then poppy went... that was the first funeral i understood. it hurt so bad. all i wanted to do was run out of the chapel. then kathleens mama.. that was THE hardest funeral. the hardest day of my life soon came after that. the morning we got the call about austin shook me to the bone. that chill hasnt left my body yet. i dont think i had ever seen my brother cry before that day.. and that image stays in my mind perfectly. the first time i saw austin laying in that bed broke my heart. it took my breath away.... it really was the hardest day. caleb.. brays mom.. anthony's accident.. luckily there were those who made it through the pain, who were and are strong. i never thought the day would come when my friends would be put in pain and i would be the one facing deaths and hurt at such a young age, because really, i'm still just a little girl. 

boys. love. hate. 

i always thought that life would be a cinderella story. talk, dark and handsome would come sweep me off my feet and we'd fall in love and grow old together. if thats not a joke, then i dont know what is. you were the first person i ever loved. i can honestly say that i fell in love with you, even if i was never with you. you hold a special spot in my heart, and you always will. i'll be there for you 30 years down the road, i can promise you that. but then i knew i couldn't be with you. you weren't really mine. then you came along. the bad boy mama always warned me about. god did i love the bad boy thing. you were perfect. i still care about you after all this time, i really love you. after all the fights and lies, cause i always went back to those good times. they overruled any bad thing. ...i honestly dont have any words right now..

lies. 

you'd think that since they're your bestfriends, that wouldn't lie to you, theyd tell you the truth, just like you do. surprise. you'd think they wouldn't try to get with your bestfriend. surprise. youd think promises were real. surprise, once again. you'd think you'd want to hate everyone when they lie to you. well, big fucking surprise. you cant. 

i've realized that in life, youre going to be used, hurt, lied to, stomped on, used some more, (ironic! taylor swift's never grow up just came on my itunes) loved, hated, used, wanted, needed, yelled at, hit, and broken. the world is  a harsh place, but even through all of this you have to have fun, you have to make the most out of life. take chances, do daring things, be the person YOU want to be, not the person they want you to be.

i dont want to grow up.  

title.

I really should be sleeping right now, or at least studying some more. i cant. stress is eating me up. i keep doing the stupidest things and making everything just so much more complicated than they should be. i'm only worrying about you, and because i'm doing that, it's screwing up everything else. 


i really dont wanna go through any of this anymore. every day seems like a struggle to understand who or what to believe. my bestfriends are lying to me about the simplest things. and then other people about bigger things. i dont want to be surrounded by liars, but it seems like that's all everybody is. people lie to make things sound interesting, or to cover something up. but all that does it make life complicated, because that lie leads to another and so on and so forth. i love every single one of my friends, but just be real. 


i dont know whats getting into me lately. i've been on my toes about everything. its not good because i'm starting to assume things and i'm wrong. but before i find out i'm wrong i blame whoever about something. i'm so quick to do that. and i hate that about myself. i wish i could change that right now. but i can't. but i'm trying. i am. 


i'm sorry. these words seem to come out of my mouth a lot these days. before i used to just say these words as a reaction, they didnt mean anything really. but now.. these words go through my head and wrack my brain to pieces. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. what do these words mean? i'm sorry for what i did. i regret it, i want to take it back. i want to make it better, i'm going to fix it, i'm going to try and do my best to fix it, to fix me, i'm gonna make it up to you. i wont do it again. i'm sorry.


sometimes i wish i could lay in my bed all day, or wherever i feel the best at, and just sit in silence all day to listen and think. yes, i'd probably go crazy, because i would hassle my mind to no end and make up crazy stories in my head about stupid things. but it would also be helpful, to learn something about myself that i didnt know before. so maybe that thing i find, which may be good or bad, could be enhanced, or changed. although i want to do this, right now doesnt seem like the best time. 


i'm ready for my brother to get home. i have so much to tell him and so much to hear about his stories while in Vietnam. i really miss him. it sucks. 


on a side note, i've started biting my nails and lip again. this cant be good. 






Something my brother found on writesomething.com (or something like that).
it's possibly my favorite thing i have ever read. dwell on it. 




The world is meaningless, there is no God or gods, there are no morals, the universe is not moving inexorably towards any higher purpose. All meaning is man-made, so make your own, and make it well. Do not treat life as a way to pass the time until you die.Do not try to "find yourself", you must make yourself. Choose what you want to find meaningful and live, create, love, hate, cry, destroy, fight and die for it. Do not let your life and your values and you actions slip easily into any mold, other that that which you create for yourself, and say with conviction, "This is who I make myself". Do not give in to hope. Remember that nothing you do has any significance beyond that with which imbue it. Whatever you do, do it for its own sake. When the universe looks on with indifference, laugh, and shout back, "Fuck You!". Rembember that to fight meaninglessness is futile, but fight anyway, in spite of and because of its futility.The world may be empty of meaning, but it is a blank canvas on which to paint meanings of your own. Live deliberately. You are free.

slacker.

yes, yes i know. i have been the biggest slacker lately. i felt like today i needed to just let everything out. this has been some of the hardest weeks, and it just keeps getting worse.

i never knew how emotional i could get, just over small things. how such small things can have such a huge impact on me.

you.. everytime i see you, i seriously get sick to my stomach. you. why should i be jealous of some girl that i dont even know? because.. you had him. you give me the most hateful looks everyday, and it breaks my heart over and over again. i can't look at you. i get so sick to my stomach. i see you and think that youre the one that i'm sposed to be like, look like, act like.

you.. you've helped me so much lately. i dont see how you deal with all of my problems when you've gone through such a huge loss, but you help me so much. yeah, your his bestfriend, but you get me. you listen to me and try to make me feel better. and i want to thank you so much for that.

you.. i can't believe your gonna be gone soon. not cool. i'm stealing you and keeping you here.

you.. you always come in at the wrong time.. or maybe the right time. the day it happened, you called me up, asking if i was okay, telling me you'd be here in heartbeat if i needed a shoulder or someone to just hold on to. my heart was broken and of course you were the first one to come to me. you've always been so important to me. you have a special place in my heart.  but now your "back" in your way, but i dont know if i can do it. i'll end up being broken again. and i dont want that. i dont want you. not this time. i dont want you anymore.

you.. this is seriously hurting my heart more than you know. seeing you, its like a jab in the throat every time i glance at you. you never knew. you never knew how i felt, and who knows if you ever will. my heart is aching. youll never want it back. i know how it all works. i've used it before. i feel like i'm supposed to be someone else, to be her, or her. that i can't tell you how i feel, what i want, what i need. i can't tell you how i miss you. how much im sorry. i can't tell you that i love you. you dont want to hear it. you never will. it wont be the same, and i know that. i just have to face it. 

my doggie Liz had puppy labradoodles last wednesday!!! they are the most adorable things i have ever seen. she had 7, but the runt sadly passed away. he couldn't keep warm. :( but they are amazing! i'm trying to pick out the one to keep... lordy, 4 dogs? haha. 

i still wish i was in Paris. i had no worries there. seriously. just send me back there. 

ive been thinking about just shutting on everything. my phone, my computer, everything.

i dont want to deal with any of this. i havent slept in weeks. 

i'm ready for my brother to come home. i think i miss him more than you could know. 

ugh.

"and sometimes i wish when i turned over to say goodmorning you were there to answer."

hmph.

"Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least that one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, and then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see him again."


Possibly the most fitting quote ever for me. Everything is so confusing. Life. HA. 


ANYWAYSSSS.
PARIS WAS AMARRRZINGG!!! of course. we had the BEST time. i dont really feel like typing out all about the trip right now. i'm still so jet lagged.. or however you spell it? seriously have gotten like 5 hours of sleep in two days. sucks. but i have to go. project on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for Psychology due tomorrow to present. yayyyyy. 


gooooodnight :)

words of comfort.

"death is new life
the world is painful
amazing but painful
in death,
beauty is found
breathlessness cannot be found
heaven exists whether you know it or not
perfection and solace can be discovered
our minds are not allowed to comprehend
our minds mustn't understand that which lies ahead, the longing for that guides us where we must go"
-gst.


thank you simsly.
this is exactly what i needed to hear.

life.

nothing is fair. nothing is easy. the world is not always warm and comforting. its cold, empty and broken.


i woke up today going on only 3 hours of sleep. it was just a bad night. i woke up and found out i had hurt the woman who means the most to me, my mom, without even thinking. i woke up and it was raining, making me think of you. i woke up happy, excited. i woke up not knowing what the day would bring to me. nothing could bring me down today. i knew i had a rough day ahead of me, but for some reason i was just so happy. maybe because i knew i would get to see you, hear you, just be around you. the day went by fine. laughs here, giggles there, a smile always on my face. but it was too good to be true, of course. honestly, i didnt think anything bad could go wrong on a day like this. thats when i walk out to my car and hear a worried voice call me over. something was wrong. grace was crying, even the boys had the frozen look of fear on their faces. then i noticed you weren't at school Austin. i heard only little of what was being said. all i got was "mom.. died.." .....my heart froze. nobody knew what happened. all i could hear were the sobs coming from inside and my body start to shake. it couldn't be true, could it? no.

the world is harsh. it's on days like this that the people we love most disappear. nothing is fair. its hard. Austin, no matter what, we will always be here for you. forever. you are one of the sweetest guys i know. you always make me laugh, and keep a smile on my face, even when you wont let me win a game of UFC on xbox. you care about all of your closest friends more than alot of people i know. remember that we care about you just as much. everybody is here for you, every step of the way, every minute, every second. whatever you need, we're going to get it for you, whatever it takes. dont lose hope, keep strong.

we love you.

bitchfest 101.

for some reason i have been in the BEST mood this week. the doctor said that the medicine would make me meaner and bitchier than i have been.. which at first i freaked out because i have been THE BIGGEST bitch lately. so i was scared. but for some reason i was actually happy this week. crazy, huh? well it was good. until this weekend. grab a beer and put your big girl panties on, this'll take a while and i have some choice words for everything.


HELL.
this week is literally going to be my week of living hell. it's just sunday and already i am stressed out so much i can't think straight.  honestly. i dont know what this week is going to bring for me. i have a french test tomorrow, which i have yet to study for, a history of americas test tomorrow, which i didnt even bring my shit home, a lit quiz over the book i have barely read, and the lord knows im forgetting about SOMETHING. then tuesday is a special learning day, get out at 12... cool, but then i have an apt for my mouth in athens that evening. ughhh. then wednesday is the writing test. yippefuckindoo. thursday... math test. friday, who cares. i just need saturday to GET HERE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. but we all know that this is going to be the slowest week of my fucking life. like i said, excuse my language. 


YOU.
you are supposed to be the man that i look up to, the man that keeps me safe when i get scared, the man that tells me everything is going to be okay and that the world is a good place, call me his angel, pull the gun out when i go on dates, worry about how i dress, what boy i'm talking to, what i'm doing when i'm not at the house. but no. you are at home. drinking away. then you get the nerve to call me, TRASHED and not even be able to say ONE sentence?!? no. no. no. no. you made me cry. you broke my heart and i dont know what to do anymore because the man i look up to is not someone i want to be. i dont want to be an alcoholic. home is not home anymore. now that i look back, it was never a home. i can't look at that house. then you text me the other day and tell me to "schedule a day to come clean out your room"....wow. okay, so i have to take everything out of my room so your new gf can put all her shit in MY bedroom? no. just NO. 


YOU.
you are just one FUCKING dumbass. seriously? you get arrested and make her spend $400 to bail you out? you know better. i dont care who you think you are, you dont do that. she worked hard for that money and you just took it all away. ghuirahnfkjshnf;kshf.


YOU.
you're in a relationship now? wtf? when did that happen? and why would SHE lie to me about that? ugh whatever. i dont even care about you.


YOU.
i'm glad we talked today. i'm sorry about this weekend. like i said it was a bad weekend. everyone was fighting around me, and it made me think that we actually had it reallllly good compared to what i was hearing. it just made me wanna be around you more and more and i screwed up. what, its been 3 weeks now that i havent seen you? gahhhhh. its kinda hard to believe that in 4 days would have only been our 2 months. it seems like so much longer. but i can't do anything about that. i'll be waiting. so for now, goodbye. 


YOU.
DONT FUCKING PLAY GAMES WITH HER AND DONT BREAK THEM UP. LEAVE THEM THE FUCK ALONE AND LET THEM BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOU TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH HER, DAMN. 


YOU.
i REALLY hate when you leave for like 2 weeks and leave mom all mopey and sad and shit. then you come back and yall are practically fucking infront of me. GET A DAMN ROOM.


YOU.
stupid mother nature, do you HAVE to visit while i'll be in PARIS?!?! I mean COME ON!!!!!!


YOU.
dont pull a bitch fit with me. i wasn't trying to "steal your boy" eventhough youre the one who dumped him for another boy. i was only telling him that you'll come around and be like "omggggggggg i missssss youuuuuuu soooooooooo mucccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" ew. gross. i dont like your man honey. you can have him. 


gosh what else is there...


YOU.
get out of my bff's mind. YOURE A CHEATING, SLY, FLIRTING, LIAR, BITCH WHO IS NEVER HAPPY WITH THE GIRL HE HAS AND JUST WANTS TO FUCK EVERY GIRL. 


okay. well thats all i can go on right now. i need to try and go study for the damn french test. that i'm going to fail. cause i dont understand what the HELL to do with french pronouns. UGHHHHHHHHH.


on a good note, the new weezy cd comes out in 2 hours and 27 minutes. YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

waiting.

I'm here waiting. just like i said i would be. i'll be seeing you. 


another weekly ran night with guthrie tonight.
i love her.
one week exactly and we will be wandering the streets of Paris, sipping on coffee, indulging in bread and fantastic desserts, shopping on the most amazing streets, meeting new people, forgetting old, and not worrying about one thing in the place we call home. 


thank god. 
a week with no phone. but of course we shall have facebook.. haha wow. pathetic. 


now i just have to survive this week...

more pain.

piercing jabs. knives. tears. pills. back rubs. screams. bitching. wanting. confusion. hurt. pain.

i thought this would get better. it's not. i can't do anything with letting out a cry of pain, a whimper, letting a tear fall. i thought the medicine would start working. it hasn't. i can't walk. i can't sit. i can't stand without wanting to cry. i'm not trying to throw a pity party for myself. i'm not that kind of a person. but i swear. i can not do this much longer. its always something. ALWAYS. there is never a moment when i can't worry about what the hell is going on inside my body and why its making me sick. of course there are people out there that have it so much worse than i do, like Laura Margaret... but she is so much strong than i am. i dont  think positive when i hurt. i just want to curl up and have someone to hold me letting me just let it out. but i dont have anyone like that. i can't do that with my mother.. it would kill her. she was so upset when i had whooping cough.. i would sit in the bathroom floor crying for hours, not able to eat or breathe for a month and a half and she just had to sit there and listen to it, and couldn't do anything about it. i dont want to make her feel that way again. i dont know where to run. the people i need are far away.. jess is in statesboro, ashley in monroe, kyle is busy, sims doesnt have a car, my brother is in vietnam, mini, holly, andy, mike, alice and dale all have lives outside of here and can't just take time for me. of course i love the people who i do have, but i dont want them to feel sorry for me. i dont want them to feel like they have to listen and say it will all be okay. i dont know what i want. i dont want to be a burden. i dont want to hurt other people. i dont want to talk about it. i dont want to try. but i need to cry. i need to talk about it. i need you back here with me, telling me to keep my head up and that everything is going to be alright no matter what. and that i WILL get better and that i'll be fine. because without you i dont believe it. i need your voice, to hear you whisper in my ear. 

i just needed to get all of that out. i'm tired and dont know what to feel anymore. i dont want anyone feeling sorry for me, or coming up to me saying how they wish it was better, because we all know that i do too. i just need someone here for me when i need that should, that voice, that touch. i need comfort. 

pain.

so, went to the doctor yesterday and sat there for about an hour just talking to the lady about everything from the start. FINALLY she took some blood, and told me they were going to test for Lupus, Inflammatory Arthritis, and some genetic disease. they put me on steroids for about 10 days. she was like "you're going to be extra bitchy and extra hungry" GREAT. but the thing is, today was the first time i wasn't bitchy in about 2 weeks. hopefully it will stay this was cause today just felt SO good. i was so happy and just in a great mood. i'll hear the results soon and let errrybody know asap.

So. i'm having dinner with my dad tonight.. this should be interesting. i haven't seen him in about a month. divorces suck. dont let your parents get divorced. i still miss you. i think its gettin better though. i was actually reallllly happy when i talked today and didnt just want to cry. maybe this all will work out. someday.

ahh

doctors.

i'm really tired of going to see doctors so much lately. my body is never right. first it was whooping cough, then the lord only knows with the pain and the joints, then mono, and now the lord only knows again. i hate that this is back.

for all of you who don't know..
i have some type of hip/joint problem and every once in a while, my hips start to hurt, then it turns into horrible pain that i have to be put on pain killers for. this pain is so bad that i can't walk, sit or stand. literally, i can't do anything. then it moves from my hips and spreads through my legs and up my back. while this is going on, my white blood count drops to scary numbers. around 1.2.. it's supposed to be above 4. well last fall is when i first had this and my doctor couldnt figure it out. he had blood cultures done, shots, pills, everything. i had more blood drawn then you could imagine. 6 times in one day once. well then i was sent to a hematologist at a cancer center. they were going to do a bone marrow tap, but thankfully didnt. but they couldnt figure it out, so they sent me to an infectious disease doctor. he did the same tests i had already done before, said the same things, and told the same words. but they still couldnt figure out what it was. after about 2 weeks, it all went away. gone. just like that.

well its back. and its killing me. it made me miss a cruise last year, and it better not make me miss paris this year. i already have my ticket and my bff and we are NOT missing it. i dont care how much pain i'm in.

so, it came back and i went back to the doctor about 2 weeks ago and had more bloodwork done and was given pills again, just to ease the pain. it went away about 3 days later.. but jsut the past couple of days something new has started in my hips. its the pain but in a different way. its so hard to describe. but mom gets a call today from my doctor saying that she set up an apt with a specialist (hips/joints something) for me to go see on wednesday.. and she didnt even know that i was hurting again. how crazy, right? i'm just scared. i'm scared they're going to find something bad, or even worse, never find it and me be in pain on and off forever. i just don't know anymore.

eh.

I haven't been on in a few days.. and I'm too lazy to go back and re-do those days. I might just give up on them. Ha.. wow, I'm pathetic.


SO. this weekend was pretty legit. friday. what happened friday?...hm. oh! movies! with andi, cody, will, olivia, casey and zach! we went and saw easy A! which it was cute but at the same time. idk. i liked it but the mexican was horrible! "mmmmm cardboard" haha oh will. saturday was AMAZING. Emmie's, with andi will cody derrick kevin and mason. i had fun..hahaha..ohhh first times! 


i'm glad i had a friend filled weekend. i havent had one of those in a long time.. how pathetic. it didnt keep me from missing you though. i wish you missed me. ugh.


CHANGE OF PLANS THOUGH AND I'M SO FREAKIN EXCITED!!!!

idk why all of this is in italics.. it wont let me change that back to normal.. great.
BUT! my lovely second hometown of PARIS, FRANCE will be visited soon! ahhhhh i can't wait to be back in my second home with no phone, not computer. nothing. just my bestfriend Guthrie and hours of roaming my favorite beautiful city. i can't wait..2 weeks. we're getting an apartment!! ahh. yeahhhh boyyyy.

anyways. i think i'm going to try and get some sleep. yes, it IS only 8;50. but i haven't slept in 2 weeks. seriously. i fall asleep at 2 and dont sleep good then have to wake up at 6. :(

day 2

Write something you love about yourself...


I love that I'm a fighter. I don't just let people push me around or yell at me without fighting back. Sometimes I don't do it as much as I should, but when I do, I feel like I'm really expressing my feelings and  that's good for you. I also love that I don't act like a stupid bimbo blonde...you know what I mean. THOSE girls. jknvbadfszl.  hahah I love my bloodhound, Ellie, just did that, but disliker her cause she just got slobber everywhere. thanks sweetie.


I love my mommy too. We may fight alot but she's always there for me when i really need her and when I just need to let everything out; when i need to cry and yell and scream. nobody is there for me to do things like that besides her. i love her so much.

and i love you.
but we said goodbye tonight.
goodbye. 

i love you.

you're my bestfriend. i'm not in love with you, but i do love you. i'll always love you that way.


sorry.

day 1

Write something you hate about yourself.. 
well, let me think. Hate is a powerful word. You can dislike a lot about yourself, but hate? That's like utter disgust. I just don't want to use the word hate if I really don't know if i hate it. Let's see.. I hate how I over analyze and over think things. I take things to a whole new level and make them into things that just don't even make sense. I wish I could just be able to hear or do something without over thinking about it or morphing it into something else. It makes me seem like I don't believe people when I do that. I hate, hate, how easily I can get angry about something. I'm so sensitive to anger, and I get that from my daddy, so blame him. Literally someone can be talking to loudly when i want quiet, say something wrong, or just look at me wrong and I will get pissed. I'll take my anger that I've built up on other people too. I hate when I do that, cause I'll make it seem that I'm SO mad at you, but I'm not. Something just went wrong and I take it out on you. Bad habit. I also hate how attached and emotional I can get. The simplest things can make me cry some days, and others, nothing can make me cry. It's crazy. I hate how little things can just bug me to no end and I'll just bitch about it. I need to learn to get over it and suck it up. I hate how I'm not inshape on bit. But, I don't do anything to change that, so really I have no right to hate that. I just need to get off my fat butt and work out, simple.

These are the only things that come up as of right now..
this is gonna be tough. 1 down, 29 to go.