pink in the sky.

i can't sleep anymore. honestly. i can't. i used to be able to get in my bed, and feel safe and home and comfy, but lately i don't feel any of that anywhere. today couldn't have been worse, i believe. the blog i posted yesterday is the most truthful thing i have ever said. you can't trust anybody. the world is a lie. people tell you the truth to an extent. they only tell you what you want to hear, and they leave everything else out. i have finally realized that. no more trusting people as much as i do.. no more spilling my guts out to anyone. i really am over high school. i'm ready to be out in the real world. i'm ready to work and travel, be my own person. not someone who relies on others in school. i'm me. not someone who has to wait, lean on, or rely on anyone. i can do this. i can.

some things i learned about myself today while talking with cook;

-i trust people way to easily. one i trust them, i think that i can trust them with everything, so i spill my guts out, only to learn that i shouldn't have told them anything, for it will only be used against me.

-i have to feel needed; loved

-i need alone time. i need time to sit and think, cry, laugh, talk to myself.. i enjoy that time. i must be crazy.

-i try to change people because i think i'm helping, but in reality, i'm fucking things up.

-i'm only in high school. i'm only in high school. i'm only in high school. i have my whole life ahead of me. i have so many people to meet and so many things to do for myself. 

-i've lost motivation.

-i get attached to people. then it takes a long time to let go.

-i'm an adult in a child's body a lot of the time

-i grew up too fast

-i'm a jealous person. it's something i can't help, although i'm working on it.

-i need to start standing up for myself

-i can't stand when people are mad at me, hate me, have something against me, or are upset with me. i try everything in my will power to fix it, even if it doesnt work. i don't give up.

-i'm over emotional. 

-i'm always the one saying sorry, even if i did nothing wrong. this relates to the "cant stand ppl hating me" thing. if i'm in a fight with you, i always say sorry first, because i hate fighting.

-i could never be cheater. ever.

-i love you.

"and in a box beneath my bed there's a letter that you never read"

i have something for you. i actually have 4 things for you. i dont know if i can give it to you or not. i'm to scared. leave your house and i'll leave it on the bed, on the pillow where my head used to rest..

i'm only in highschool. i tell myself this so many times a day, that its like a prayer. i seriously have my whole life ahead of me... unless i die in some accident tomorrow or something, which would be bad. fhdfj anyways. i need to start doing what i need to do now. i need to focus on now, so that i can be happy when i finally get out and get into the real world. i need to do what i have to do now, so that i can do what i want when i'm older. so i can be happy. 

i can make it. 

i can do it.

hopefully.