the thing i've learned, you see, is that lies are full of the truth. somehow, deep in it's twisted roots, that lie shows the naked truth. just think about it. it makes sense to me. you don't want to say the flat out truth, so you swerve around it. 

i've also learned that everyone will disappoint you. it's like a promise. it's going to happen no matter what, and there is nothing you can do about it. it's life. but you can't let that ruin everything. of course if they let you down multiple times, reaching an unacceptable point, then you shouldn't have to put up with it anymore. but you can't stay mad when the person you count on lets you down. you just can't, because it was bound to happen one day. remember that.. i'm trying to. 

i've been given out chances every time and all you do is let me down..

i hate sounding like this but this has been one of the worst weeks imaginable. here's the run down, if you care. if not, skip this part. monday i woke up with a feeling that i shouldn't go to school. my gut was telling me that something was wrong. i go anyway.. drug test. cool. pass with flying colors, but i feel bad for many of my friends.. ugh. the days just drag on and on. school is terrible. i don't want to be there. wednesday.. bad night. i finally tell you. it meant nothing. ruined the night. ruined the next day as well. i dont think i've ever cried in class until that day. luckily nobody saw. ha. that night. possibly the best night of my life in so long. so so so long. one word. harry potter. midnight. amazing. then you. i dont think i've felt more alive than being there with you. your voice just made me feel at ease. kinda crazy. it meant soooo much to me. i dont think you'll ever know. then the trouble starts. i swear, right when things start going good, something bad happens that pulls us apart. and it's always my doing. i should have listened to you and just gone to school. but no, i'm stubborn. grounded. joy. uneventful friday night. saturday full of cleaning out the garage. sunday full of the same thing. awesome. 

you ever get that feeling that things aren't right? like.. hmph. it's kind of hard to explain what i mean. it's like you feel like something is just awkward, or you're not facing something, or hiding around some thing that needs to be shown. you feel like you're trying to make something work when you have this feeling something has changed. you have that feeling that there is something you don't know, it makes you not trust, not open up. you become caged up scared of what you're going to find out, terrified that it is only going to make things worse and you really can't handle something else. but what could it be? it honestly could be just you. your silly little head making up something in your mind, twisting and turning things because of the past. but maybe there is something. yet again, maybe not. 

these words seem to be helping me keep sane lately. my granny just slipped into a coma this morning.. and my other great grandma is not doing so hot either. i thought thanksgiving was a time of happiness and family, not mourning. 

"death is new life, the world is painful, amazing but painful, in death, beauty is found, breathlessness cannot be found, heaven exists whether you know it or not, perfection and solace can be discovered, our minds are not allowed to comprehend, our minds mustn't understand that which lies ahead, the longing for that guides us where we must go" -gst

remember this. 

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. "
Bob Marley

so i end here. i dont think i've ever been so confused about everything. literally everything. hopefully sleep will bring a better week, a better tomorrow. 

pax.