the best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting..

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you i'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may of failed
But I have loved you from the start
Ohhhh

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cuz talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When your asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

i miss those goodnight texts.

wow, i haven't written in about a week. here's whats been going on in ol madtown.

my great grandmother passed away and i had to go alabama for the funeral last wednesday. not cool. come home and our cable and internet is out.. thanks suntrust. so thanksgiving was really good though. it was nice to eat my face out. haha.  but the rest of the weekend sucked.. i just can't even describe it. it's been filled with pain, tears, fights, puke, 36 hours of sleep.. ugh.

although so much has gone on i dont really know what to say.. so i'm gonna let these words do the talking..

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorcerous
Cause you just, did the impossible, gained my trust
Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over
Cause if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
Cause I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is "evol", spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion what'so ever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'fuckin' hoes

Blood-suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this?
I've tried in this department, but, I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over
I've got a hole in my heart from some kind of emotional roller-coasta';
Somethin' I won't go on till you toy with my emotions, so it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova.

I miss those blue eyes, the way you kissed me at night. I miss the way we sleep, like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile, i miss the way we breathe. 

Cause when it's going good, It's going great, I'm Superman with the wind in his bag she's Lois Lane, but when it's bad it's awful I feel so ashamed.

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I'd roll my eyes and then you'd pull me in
I'm not much for dancing, but for you I did
Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions 

And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

 

the thing i've learned, you see, is that lies are full of the truth. somehow, deep in it's twisted roots, that lie shows the naked truth. just think about it. it makes sense to me. you don't want to say the flat out truth, so you swerve around it. 

i've also learned that everyone will disappoint you. it's like a promise. it's going to happen no matter what, and there is nothing you can do about it. it's life. but you can't let that ruin everything. of course if they let you down multiple times, reaching an unacceptable point, then you shouldn't have to put up with it anymore. but you can't stay mad when the person you count on lets you down. you just can't, because it was bound to happen one day. remember that.. i'm trying to. 

i've been given out chances every time and all you do is let me down..

i hate sounding like this but this has been one of the worst weeks imaginable. here's the run down, if you care. if not, skip this part. monday i woke up with a feeling that i shouldn't go to school. my gut was telling me that something was wrong. i go anyway.. drug test. cool. pass with flying colors, but i feel bad for many of my friends.. ugh. the days just drag on and on. school is terrible. i don't want to be there. wednesday.. bad night. i finally tell you. it meant nothing. ruined the night. ruined the next day as well. i dont think i've ever cried in class until that day. luckily nobody saw. ha. that night. possibly the best night of my life in so long. so so so long. one word. harry potter. midnight. amazing. then you. i dont think i've felt more alive than being there with you. your voice just made me feel at ease. kinda crazy. it meant soooo much to me. i dont think you'll ever know. then the trouble starts. i swear, right when things start going good, something bad happens that pulls us apart. and it's always my doing. i should have listened to you and just gone to school. but no, i'm stubborn. grounded. joy. uneventful friday night. saturday full of cleaning out the garage. sunday full of the same thing. awesome. 

you ever get that feeling that things aren't right? like.. hmph. it's kind of hard to explain what i mean. it's like you feel like something is just awkward, or you're not facing something, or hiding around some thing that needs to be shown. you feel like you're trying to make something work when you have this feeling something has changed. you have that feeling that there is something you don't know, it makes you not trust, not open up. you become caged up scared of what you're going to find out, terrified that it is only going to make things worse and you really can't handle something else. but what could it be? it honestly could be just you. your silly little head making up something in your mind, twisting and turning things because of the past. but maybe there is something. yet again, maybe not. 

these words seem to be helping me keep sane lately. my granny just slipped into a coma this morning.. and my other great grandma is not doing so hot either. i thought thanksgiving was a time of happiness and family, not mourning. 

"death is new life, the world is painful, amazing but painful, in death, beauty is found, breathlessness cannot be found, heaven exists whether you know it or not, perfection and solace can be discovered, our minds are not allowed to comprehend, our minds mustn't understand that which lies ahead, the longing for that guides us where we must go" -gst

remember this. 

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. "
Bob Marley

so i end here. i dont think i've ever been so confused about everything. literally everything. hopefully sleep will bring a better week, a better tomorrow. 

pax. 

a better me.

i've decided to make a vow to myself. a promise. lately i've noticed i'm not the healthiest little girl on the block and that needs to change. no more sitting around, no more cokes, no lazyness, no more love handles, or belly bumps. i'm making a vow to myself to become healthy, active and lean. become more comfortable with my body and how i look, become more confident then ever. i'm going to. i've told this to myself before, but now i have to live up to it. i can't let myself down once again for being lazy. it's going to change. right now.

along with this bodily change, i need to make changes in myself as well. i don't need to become so jealous, or so attached to things or people, for i have learned that everyone lets you down at one point. but you must forgive, not always forget though. i can't be the other girl anymore. i can't be the one in the back, the not so confident one. i'm going to become proud to wear tight clothes and be excited to put on a bathing suit. yes. soon.

okay alyssa.. don't break this promise. you can do it!

part two.

you're named changed. it's different. when i get a call or text you aren't who you used to be, who you've been to me for the longest time. you're just you now. its so weird for me. i'm used to seeing that name, because you were my superman. you still are, just not mine. i'm trying. i'm really trying at this. 

life is so crazy. i thought i grew up fast, but now i realize that i have so much more to learn and so much more to go through. life isn't easy, life isn't as wonderful as everyone thinks. i sound like such a debbie downer. i've been thinking a lot about what coach head told me friday. "you seem so much like your brother, yet you seem to be more positive then him. he had a negative outlook on most things, but you always come in smiling at me." well coach head... i think you're wrong. i'm more like my brother than you think. lately things seem harder. i'm about to lose two amazing women in my life. Granny and Mema. the only great grandparents i have, and they are suffering, struggling everyday with broken hips, memory loss, not being able to eat.. slowly their time is coming up. it's hard to think about, but it's life. everyone has to leave at some point. i just didn't think i'd have to lose so many people in such a short amount of time.

i think i'm just done with everything. i feel like i'm gettin to that point where i cant do anything else to even try to make things better. "you're just putting yourself through pain, because it's something to feel, but i promise you there is something out there that will make you feel better than this ever did" i love you smitty. 

i dont understand why i love this song so much. and the first one. they just pull at me. her voice is wonderful.

On the first page of our story, the future seems so bright.
And this thing turned out so evil, I don’t know why I’m still surprised.
Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take death to new extremes.
But you’ll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

Now this gravel in our voices, glass is shattered from the fight.
In this tug of war, you’ll always win, even when I’m right.
Cause you feed me fables from your hand,
With violet words and empty threats and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.
Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories.

[Eminem]
This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry that you
pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me
try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’
this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
with you I’m in my fuckin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

pink in the sky.

i can't sleep anymore. honestly. i can't. i used to be able to get in my bed, and feel safe and home and comfy, but lately i don't feel any of that anywhere. today couldn't have been worse, i believe. the blog i posted yesterday is the most truthful thing i have ever said. you can't trust anybody. the world is a lie. people tell you the truth to an extent. they only tell you what you want to hear, and they leave everything else out. i have finally realized that. no more trusting people as much as i do.. no more spilling my guts out to anyone. i really am over high school. i'm ready to be out in the real world. i'm ready to work and travel, be my own person. not someone who relies on others in school. i'm me. not someone who has to wait, lean on, or rely on anyone. i can do this. i can.

some things i learned about myself today while talking with cook;

-i trust people way to easily. one i trust them, i think that i can trust them with everything, so i spill my guts out, only to learn that i shouldn't have told them anything, for it will only be used against me.

-i have to feel needed; loved

-i need alone time. i need time to sit and think, cry, laugh, talk to myself.. i enjoy that time. i must be crazy.

-i try to change people because i think i'm helping, but in reality, i'm fucking things up.

-i'm only in high school. i'm only in high school. i'm only in high school. i have my whole life ahead of me. i have so many people to meet and so many things to do for myself. 

-i've lost motivation.

-i get attached to people. then it takes a long time to let go.

-i'm an adult in a child's body a lot of the time

-i grew up too fast

-i'm a jealous person. it's something i can't help, although i'm working on it.

-i need to start standing up for myself

-i can't stand when people are mad at me, hate me, have something against me, or are upset with me. i try everything in my will power to fix it, even if it doesnt work. i don't give up.

-i'm over emotional. 

-i'm always the one saying sorry, even if i did nothing wrong. this relates to the "cant stand ppl hating me" thing. if i'm in a fight with you, i always say sorry first, because i hate fighting.

-i could never be cheater. ever.

-i love you.

"and in a box beneath my bed there's a letter that you never read"

i have something for you. i actually have 4 things for you. i dont know if i can give it to you or not. i'm to scared. leave your house and i'll leave it on the bed, on the pillow where my head used to rest..

i'm only in highschool. i tell myself this so many times a day, that its like a prayer. i seriously have my whole life ahead of me... unless i die in some accident tomorrow or something, which would be bad. fhdfj anyways. i need to start doing what i need to do now. i need to focus on now, so that i can be happy when i finally get out and get into the real world. i need to do what i have to do now, so that i can do what i want when i'm older. so i can be happy. 

i can make it. 

i can do it.

hopefully. 

last kiss.

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go
Away?

I do recall now
The smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember
The swing in your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake
Me and my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day when I don't miss those rude interruptions

But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips.

So I'll watch you live in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and town
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips
Just like our last

wow.

i'm so ready to get out of this town. i love madison and all, but i'm so done with this small town bullshit. everything is lies nowadays. you can't trust anyone because anything you say, they take it and twist it somehow. then its just plain, flat out liars. something happens and they change the story completely, making it seem like something happened, when in reality, it did not. then you have those that just make up something all together, something that NEVER happened... not even close to what really happened and just parade around town telling everyone the "story". rumors are just stupid cover ups for people to get noticed and get attention. grow up and stop. seriously. 


people will claim they are your best friend, say that you can trust them with anything and that they'll never tell a soul... well if that aint the biggest load of bullhonkey, then i must be stupid. people will act like your bestfriend when you're heart broken, but try and get with the boy that hurt you behind your back. i mean WOW. come on. people need to be smacked in the face. just sayin. 


anyways. this time change in messing me up. i feel like i should just be passed out right now, but i still have so much to do. ugh. joy. 


i'd never thought i'd say this, seriously, but taylor swift is my favorite person right now. she helps me cope.

"now i'm standing along in a crowded room and we're not speaking, and i'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me? i don't know what to say since a twist of fate when it all broke down, and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now."

guhnight. 

uhh.

i seriously had so much to write down, but now that i get to the computer i have no idea what i wanted to say, everything is just erased from my mind. dandy. let me think for a moment.

(after i read everything, i dont understand how you readers understand what i say, because it's just so messy and thrown together and thoughts just crash) 

this week was just a roller coaster of emotions. it started off wonderful. amazing. nothing could have been better. then wednesday it went downhill, for good. one little thing can just throw me off the edge and i hate it. seriously, i wish i could change that. wednesday, you moved, we fought, everything changed. thursday ugh. friday, the day was okay, honestly. i dont think i have ever been to a better football game. seriously. i had the best time there, screaming and laughing and just enjoying the little things in life. PLUS we won in 3rd OT. hell yes mc. afterwards was fun. i'm glad me and my old bfff are gettin bfff again. god i missed her. saturday.. i waited to hear from you all day. but that call never came. it hurt, but i didn't want to look like the weak one, i needed to try and stay strong. too bad i was never strong in the first place. ha. saturday.. i got to see you! i seriously didnt think you were really going to come and see me. dinner was yummy, and of course katie and hannah drooled over you, just like every other girl. its weird though, it was different this time. i didn't feel like i had to have you when you came, i didnt need you to stay or be mine. i'm over you and i dont think i could be more confused. ha. jacobs was.. interesting to say the least, but fun. 

even though i was a wreck, i did have fun. but i only wanted you there honestly. 

they say don't cry because it's over, but smile because it happened.. well, sometimes it's necessary to cry.

this is what i say. there is nothing better than a good cry honestly. the ones in the shower, or even driving down the road. something about them make you feel better, am i right? or am i just crazy? maybe a bit of both. 

i realized today that the song love the way you lie... wow. those lyrics are my life right now. seriously. it came on in the car and i just listened to the words, truly listened and it made me cry. weird. 

just some lyrics for the day.

"i tried to treat you like no other, to be like no other in your life. and i cried to see you with another" 

"hear me out please, hear me out before you walk out that fuckin door. i love you like no other, i do you like no other, i swear to go i motherfuckin tried" 

"baby please come back, it wasn't you it was me. maybe our relationship isnt as crazy as it seems. maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. all i know is i love you too much to walk away though" 

i really need to go do my project. i have no motivation to so anything anymore though. that can't be good.