words of comfort.

"death is new life
the world is painful
amazing but painful
in death,
beauty is found
breathlessness cannot be found
heaven exists whether you know it or not
perfection and solace can be discovered
our minds are not allowed to comprehend
our minds mustn't understand that which lies ahead, the longing for that guides us where we must go"
-gst.


thank you simsly.
this is exactly what i needed to hear.

life.

nothing is fair. nothing is easy. the world is not always warm and comforting. its cold, empty and broken.


i woke up today going on only 3 hours of sleep. it was just a bad night. i woke up and found out i had hurt the woman who means the most to me, my mom, without even thinking. i woke up and it was raining, making me think of you. i woke up happy, excited. i woke up not knowing what the day would bring to me. nothing could bring me down today. i knew i had a rough day ahead of me, but for some reason i was just so happy. maybe because i knew i would get to see you, hear you, just be around you. the day went by fine. laughs here, giggles there, a smile always on my face. but it was too good to be true, of course. honestly, i didnt think anything bad could go wrong on a day like this. thats when i walk out to my car and hear a worried voice call me over. something was wrong. grace was crying, even the boys had the frozen look of fear on their faces. then i noticed you weren't at school Austin. i heard only little of what was being said. all i got was "mom.. died.." .....my heart froze. nobody knew what happened. all i could hear were the sobs coming from inside and my body start to shake. it couldn't be true, could it? no.

the world is harsh. it's on days like this that the people we love most disappear. nothing is fair. its hard. Austin, no matter what, we will always be here for you. forever. you are one of the sweetest guys i know. you always make me laugh, and keep a smile on my face, even when you wont let me win a game of UFC on xbox. you care about all of your closest friends more than alot of people i know. remember that we care about you just as much. everybody is here for you, every step of the way, every minute, every second. whatever you need, we're going to get it for you, whatever it takes. dont lose hope, keep strong.

we love you.

bitchfest 101.

for some reason i have been in the BEST mood this week. the doctor said that the medicine would make me meaner and bitchier than i have been.. which at first i freaked out because i have been THE BIGGEST bitch lately. so i was scared. but for some reason i was actually happy this week. crazy, huh? well it was good. until this weekend. grab a beer and put your big girl panties on, this'll take a while and i have some choice words for everything.


HELL.
this week is literally going to be my week of living hell. it's just sunday and already i am stressed out so much i can't think straight.  honestly. i dont know what this week is going to bring for me. i have a french test tomorrow, which i have yet to study for, a history of americas test tomorrow, which i didnt even bring my shit home, a lit quiz over the book i have barely read, and the lord knows im forgetting about SOMETHING. then tuesday is a special learning day, get out at 12... cool, but then i have an apt for my mouth in athens that evening. ughhh. then wednesday is the writing test. yippefuckindoo. thursday... math test. friday, who cares. i just need saturday to GET HERE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. but we all know that this is going to be the slowest week of my fucking life. like i said, excuse my language. 


YOU.
you are supposed to be the man that i look up to, the man that keeps me safe when i get scared, the man that tells me everything is going to be okay and that the world is a good place, call me his angel, pull the gun out when i go on dates, worry about how i dress, what boy i'm talking to, what i'm doing when i'm not at the house. but no. you are at home. drinking away. then you get the nerve to call me, TRASHED and not even be able to say ONE sentence?!? no. no. no. no. you made me cry. you broke my heart and i dont know what to do anymore because the man i look up to is not someone i want to be. i dont want to be an alcoholic. home is not home anymore. now that i look back, it was never a home. i can't look at that house. then you text me the other day and tell me to "schedule a day to come clean out your room"....wow. okay, so i have to take everything out of my room so your new gf can put all her shit in MY bedroom? no. just NO. 


YOU.
you are just one FUCKING dumbass. seriously? you get arrested and make her spend $400 to bail you out? you know better. i dont care who you think you are, you dont do that. she worked hard for that money and you just took it all away. ghuirahnfkjshnf;kshf.


YOU.
you're in a relationship now? wtf? when did that happen? and why would SHE lie to me about that? ugh whatever. i dont even care about you.


YOU.
i'm glad we talked today. i'm sorry about this weekend. like i said it was a bad weekend. everyone was fighting around me, and it made me think that we actually had it reallllly good compared to what i was hearing. it just made me wanna be around you more and more and i screwed up. what, its been 3 weeks now that i havent seen you? gahhhhh. its kinda hard to believe that in 4 days would have only been our 2 months. it seems like so much longer. but i can't do anything about that. i'll be waiting. so for now, goodbye. 


YOU.
DONT FUCKING PLAY GAMES WITH HER AND DONT BREAK THEM UP. LEAVE THEM THE FUCK ALONE AND LET THEM BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOU TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH HER, DAMN. 


YOU.
i REALLY hate when you leave for like 2 weeks and leave mom all mopey and sad and shit. then you come back and yall are practically fucking infront of me. GET A DAMN ROOM.


YOU.
stupid mother nature, do you HAVE to visit while i'll be in PARIS?!?! I mean COME ON!!!!!!


YOU.
dont pull a bitch fit with me. i wasn't trying to "steal your boy" eventhough youre the one who dumped him for another boy. i was only telling him that you'll come around and be like "omggggggggg i missssss youuuuuuu soooooooooo mucccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" ew. gross. i dont like your man honey. you can have him. 


gosh what else is there...


YOU.
get out of my bff's mind. YOURE A CHEATING, SLY, FLIRTING, LIAR, BITCH WHO IS NEVER HAPPY WITH THE GIRL HE HAS AND JUST WANTS TO FUCK EVERY GIRL. 


okay. well thats all i can go on right now. i need to try and go study for the damn french test. that i'm going to fail. cause i dont understand what the HELL to do with french pronouns. UGHHHHHHHHH.


on a good note, the new weezy cd comes out in 2 hours and 27 minutes. YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

waiting.

I'm here waiting. just like i said i would be. i'll be seeing you. 


another weekly ran night with guthrie tonight.
i love her.
one week exactly and we will be wandering the streets of Paris, sipping on coffee, indulging in bread and fantastic desserts, shopping on the most amazing streets, meeting new people, forgetting old, and not worrying about one thing in the place we call home. 


thank god. 
a week with no phone. but of course we shall have facebook.. haha wow. pathetic. 


now i just have to survive this week...

more pain.

piercing jabs. knives. tears. pills. back rubs. screams. bitching. wanting. confusion. hurt. pain.

i thought this would get better. it's not. i can't do anything with letting out a cry of pain, a whimper, letting a tear fall. i thought the medicine would start working. it hasn't. i can't walk. i can't sit. i can't stand without wanting to cry. i'm not trying to throw a pity party for myself. i'm not that kind of a person. but i swear. i can not do this much longer. its always something. ALWAYS. there is never a moment when i can't worry about what the hell is going on inside my body and why its making me sick. of course there are people out there that have it so much worse than i do, like Laura Margaret... but she is so much strong than i am. i dont  think positive when i hurt. i just want to curl up and have someone to hold me letting me just let it out. but i dont have anyone like that. i can't do that with my mother.. it would kill her. she was so upset when i had whooping cough.. i would sit in the bathroom floor crying for hours, not able to eat or breathe for a month and a half and she just had to sit there and listen to it, and couldn't do anything about it. i dont want to make her feel that way again. i dont know where to run. the people i need are far away.. jess is in statesboro, ashley in monroe, kyle is busy, sims doesnt have a car, my brother is in vietnam, mini, holly, andy, mike, alice and dale all have lives outside of here and can't just take time for me. of course i love the people who i do have, but i dont want them to feel sorry for me. i dont want them to feel like they have to listen and say it will all be okay. i dont know what i want. i dont want to be a burden. i dont want to hurt other people. i dont want to talk about it. i dont want to try. but i need to cry. i need to talk about it. i need you back here with me, telling me to keep my head up and that everything is going to be alright no matter what. and that i WILL get better and that i'll be fine. because without you i dont believe it. i need your voice, to hear you whisper in my ear. 

i just needed to get all of that out. i'm tired and dont know what to feel anymore. i dont want anyone feeling sorry for me, or coming up to me saying how they wish it was better, because we all know that i do too. i just need someone here for me when i need that should, that voice, that touch. i need comfort. 

pain.

so, went to the doctor yesterday and sat there for about an hour just talking to the lady about everything from the start. FINALLY she took some blood, and told me they were going to test for Lupus, Inflammatory Arthritis, and some genetic disease. they put me on steroids for about 10 days. she was like "you're going to be extra bitchy and extra hungry" GREAT. but the thing is, today was the first time i wasn't bitchy in about 2 weeks. hopefully it will stay this was cause today just felt SO good. i was so happy and just in a great mood. i'll hear the results soon and let errrybody know asap.

So. i'm having dinner with my dad tonight.. this should be interesting. i haven't seen him in about a month. divorces suck. dont let your parents get divorced. i still miss you. i think its gettin better though. i was actually reallllly happy when i talked today and didnt just want to cry. maybe this all will work out. someday.

ahh

doctors.

i'm really tired of going to see doctors so much lately. my body is never right. first it was whooping cough, then the lord only knows with the pain and the joints, then mono, and now the lord only knows again. i hate that this is back.

for all of you who don't know..
i have some type of hip/joint problem and every once in a while, my hips start to hurt, then it turns into horrible pain that i have to be put on pain killers for. this pain is so bad that i can't walk, sit or stand. literally, i can't do anything. then it moves from my hips and spreads through my legs and up my back. while this is going on, my white blood count drops to scary numbers. around 1.2.. it's supposed to be above 4. well last fall is when i first had this and my doctor couldnt figure it out. he had blood cultures done, shots, pills, everything. i had more blood drawn then you could imagine. 6 times in one day once. well then i was sent to a hematologist at a cancer center. they were going to do a bone marrow tap, but thankfully didnt. but they couldnt figure it out, so they sent me to an infectious disease doctor. he did the same tests i had already done before, said the same things, and told the same words. but they still couldnt figure out what it was. after about 2 weeks, it all went away. gone. just like that.

well its back. and its killing me. it made me miss a cruise last year, and it better not make me miss paris this year. i already have my ticket and my bff and we are NOT missing it. i dont care how much pain i'm in.

so, it came back and i went back to the doctor about 2 weeks ago and had more bloodwork done and was given pills again, just to ease the pain. it went away about 3 days later.. but jsut the past couple of days something new has started in my hips. its the pain but in a different way. its so hard to describe. but mom gets a call today from my doctor saying that she set up an apt with a specialist (hips/joints something) for me to go see on wednesday.. and she didnt even know that i was hurting again. how crazy, right? i'm just scared. i'm scared they're going to find something bad, or even worse, never find it and me be in pain on and off forever. i just don't know anymore.

eh.

I haven't been on in a few days.. and I'm too lazy to go back and re-do those days. I might just give up on them. Ha.. wow, I'm pathetic.


SO. this weekend was pretty legit. friday. what happened friday?...hm. oh! movies! with andi, cody, will, olivia, casey and zach! we went and saw easy A! which it was cute but at the same time. idk. i liked it but the mexican was horrible! "mmmmm cardboard" haha oh will. saturday was AMAZING. Emmie's, with andi will cody derrick kevin and mason. i had fun..hahaha..ohhh first times! 


i'm glad i had a friend filled weekend. i havent had one of those in a long time.. how pathetic. it didnt keep me from missing you though. i wish you missed me. ugh.


CHANGE OF PLANS THOUGH AND I'M SO FREAKIN EXCITED!!!!

idk why all of this is in italics.. it wont let me change that back to normal.. great.
BUT! my lovely second hometown of PARIS, FRANCE will be visited soon! ahhhhh i can't wait to be back in my second home with no phone, not computer. nothing. just my bestfriend Guthrie and hours of roaming my favorite beautiful city. i can't wait..2 weeks. we're getting an apartment!! ahh. yeahhhh boyyyy.

anyways. i think i'm going to try and get some sleep. yes, it IS only 8;50. but i haven't slept in 2 weeks. seriously. i fall asleep at 2 and dont sleep good then have to wake up at 6. :(

day 2

Write something you love about yourself...


I love that I'm a fighter. I don't just let people push me around or yell at me without fighting back. Sometimes I don't do it as much as I should, but when I do, I feel like I'm really expressing my feelings and  that's good for you. I also love that I don't act like a stupid bimbo blonde...you know what I mean. THOSE girls. jknvbadfszl.  hahah I love my bloodhound, Ellie, just did that, but disliker her cause she just got slobber everywhere. thanks sweetie.


I love my mommy too. We may fight alot but she's always there for me when i really need her and when I just need to let everything out; when i need to cry and yell and scream. nobody is there for me to do things like that besides her. i love her so much.

and i love you.
but we said goodbye tonight.
goodbye. 

i love you.

you're my bestfriend. i'm not in love with you, but i do love you. i'll always love you that way.


sorry.

day 1

Write something you hate about yourself.. 
well, let me think. Hate is a powerful word. You can dislike a lot about yourself, but hate? That's like utter disgust. I just don't want to use the word hate if I really don't know if i hate it. Let's see.. I hate how I over analyze and over think things. I take things to a whole new level and make them into things that just don't even make sense. I wish I could just be able to hear or do something without over thinking about it or morphing it into something else. It makes me seem like I don't believe people when I do that. I hate, hate, how easily I can get angry about something. I'm so sensitive to anger, and I get that from my daddy, so blame him. Literally someone can be talking to loudly when i want quiet, say something wrong, or just look at me wrong and I will get pissed. I'll take my anger that I've built up on other people too. I hate when I do that, cause I'll make it seem that I'm SO mad at you, but I'm not. Something just went wrong and I take it out on you. Bad habit. I also hate how attached and emotional I can get. The simplest things can make me cry some days, and others, nothing can make me cry. It's crazy. I hate how little things can just bug me to no end and I'll just bitch about it. I need to learn to get over it and suck it up. I hate how I'm not inshape on bit. But, I don't do anything to change that, so really I have no right to hate that. I just need to get off my fat butt and work out, simple.

These are the only things that come up as of right now..
this is gonna be tough. 1 down, 29 to go.

i'm a copy cat.

I'm stealing this from you Anna-Grae, because it it awesome and I just am boring and lame and don't have a life to write about.

For the next 30 days i'll write whatever it tells me too, and really express what's in me. You'll probably learn things you dont wanna know, or even things you shouldn't know, but thats okay. who cares..

30 days of truth

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

on a happy note...

• GLEE comes on NEXT WEEK!!!!
• i love my friends. 
• Germany. 3 weeks. during October Fest. Bring on the Beer and Sausage.
• my bed is comfyer than yours. 
• clean sheets smell so good
• i love my blankie. its always there for me. since i was born!
• i love you. 

bad note.. IB history of america test thursday. FAIL.

oh well. 

one last kiss, one only. then i'll let you go..

I don't know how today felt. This morning seemed like a good morning; it was cold, i was awake, and happy. then during school it just all went away. i was mad, angry, sick, and hurting. everything reminds me of you. it's kind of ridiculous. cigarettes, friends, laughs, songs, smells, words, everything. i miss you terribly. 

Tonight made me realize how much I really love to sing and how much I miss it. I miss camp. I miss those laughs and those stupid jokes and the amazing people that make up the best week of my life. Soon. 

i just want to talk to you. really talk, not that short, "yeah" "cool" "fun" shit. i want us back. i want you. i need you. 

I really just don't know what to say tonight so i guess I'll leave Dave to express my words..

SOME DEVIL

One last kiss one only

Then I'll let you go

Hard for you I've fallen

But you can't break my fall

I'm broken don't break me

When I hit the ground

Some devil some angel

Has got me to the bones

You said always and forever

Now I believe you baby

You said always and forever

Is such a long and lonely time

Too drunk and still drinking

It's just the way I feel

It's alright

Is what you told me

Cause what we had was so beautiful

Feel heavy like floating

At the bottom of the sea

You said always and forever

Now I believe you baby

You said always and forever

Is such a long and lonely time

Some devil is stuck inside of me

Why can't I set it free

I wish, I wish I was dead and you were breathing

Just so that you could know

Some angel is stuck inside of me

But can I set you free?

You said always and forever

Now I believe you baby

You said always and forever

Such a long and lonely time

Youre stuck inside of me

i dont care

WHO you think you are. you don't treat me like your good friend and then go and talk about me behind my back the very same night. People who make up shit and just blabble on about other people's business before they consult you first are just trying to look for attention. do NOT even try to think you know anything about me and start saying shit about me.

this town is all about gossip and trying to make news out of something that is nothing.
STAY OUT OF MY LIFE.

i can't stop shaking.

i miss you. i miss you so much. i can't stop thinking about you. i can't stop shaking. i can't stop crying. i need to see your smile, i need to be in your arms, to hear your voice, to hear your laugh. i can't concentrate. i haven't heard from you, and all i want to do is jump in your arms and tell you im sorry. this morning i waited for your text saying "goodmorning beautiful", but it never came, and i couldn't get passed that you're gone. some girl is going to be really lucky one day, just keep me in your mind, please.  you told me you didn't love, that you weren't ready for that. i'm okay with that. the day we fought, just on the way over i realized that we're only kids. we have our whole lives ahead of us, so why rush it? you were and still are right. you always have been. i'm sorry. 


date tonight with guthrie. she's taking me to a train trussle so we can talk and catch up. god i hate having bestfriends older than me and never seeing them.

i just wanna leave and not come back.
thank god for germany in 3 weeks. 

:/

please get out of my head. 

"Love Your Memory"

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

I can't handle all this pain
All we ever do is fight anyway
Why we even tried I haven't a clue
With hearts involved there's way too much to loose

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

You were something else to look at
Your intentions they weren't' all bad
You tried to make me something I wasn't
Lord knows there aint no future in all that

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight 

breakdowns.

Today has possibly been the worst day of my life lately. I didn't lie. YOU are the one who was being a jerk  to me and would rather be at a party than with your girlfriend. I'm done. I'm not doing this any more with you...

i wish that was as easy do as it is to say.. 

You told your sister you were better off single. You have been my closest friend for over 4 years. What am I sposed to do? You were right, we never should have dated. Being friends would have been so much easier. But I can't do easy. I need you in my life. You kept me alive, kept me balanced. But now you're yelling at me, you're telling me i'm a liar and all I do is bitch. Every girl bitches. Now, you're bitching at me for being a girl. THANKS.

I haven't eaten in two days. I needed to lose some weight anyways.

and i can't breathe without you but i have to..


no more k.p. 

welcome to the blogger world, alyssa.

well, i gave in and got one. thanks to the wonderful anna-grace, who's stories inspired me to just type out my thoughts. i'm new to this, so bear with me... the stories and thoughts will get better, i promise. for now, here we go. 


It's been a hard day. i've lost you and i can't get my mind off of you. i don't want to think about you right now... so sorry, goodbye. anywho, my uncle and cousin are in town from mississippi. thanks to them, i shall be enjoying a wonderful homecooked meal. mmm i can smell it now. i'm ready to go to sleep. since the john mayer concert on wednesday, i've been as tired little alyssa. a nap sounds good right now.. yes, only a 15 minute one..