wow.

i havent written in forever... oopsie. i guess i've been pretty side tracked lately. it's been over 2 months since i have written last. sad, sad day.. not really seeing that nobody probably reads these anyways. haha. so, what has been going on? let's examine the past 2 and a half months in depth.
(okay, maybe not TOO much in depth) 


people have come into my life and left as quick as you can say pudding. i've met some really awesome people lately, but i've also realized that a lot of them are not really there to get to know me and be "around", they just skip around from person to person, and when they feel like they need you back, they make it happen. ha, weird, huh? well, here are just the highlights of this bit: my mom is now engaged, my sister is getting married on April 30th, i got my prom dress (yes already, and i must say, i love it so so much), i've seen some people that i hadn't seen in a while, i've become closer to all of my friends, parties, parties, parties, running from the cops-ending up in a briar patch(not cool), i got my braces off(!!), wrestling season is now over, school is killing me, i've visited sandersville and had yummy dairy lane which is my new favorite place, meaning i need to go back, i turned 17(wootwoot), my heart isn't broken anymore, i'm all fixed up, i hit 2500 songs on my itunes, i got tickets to see lil wayne and lady gaga, which i am SUPER excited about.. ummmm, lets see. i dont really know anymore. so now i'm just gonna blabble. 




-people are interesting. it seems as if the screw things up just to go back and fix it to make themselves look like a great person. WELL, if you hadnt of screwed it up in the first place, you would've been a good person anyways. 
-love is overrated. you can love someone from so far away, but they never see it, so why does it matter to them? years can pass and that one person wont leave your head, but, again, why does it matter to them? 
-pictures make me happy. i have over 300 pictures printed out right now that i need to finish putting up in my room. i love glancing out from under my covers and seeing images of my past that make me the happiest. espically that one picture of us. it reminds me of the good days.
-i'm moving abroad as soon as i'm out of school. see ya. 
-i just wanna turn my phone off so nobody can get ahold of me. just let me be. 
-i have too manyy stuffed animals on my bed. but i love em :)
-i got my sequined bra for lady gaga concert and its making me super excited and ready!






umm thats about all ican think of right now. i'm sleepy, nap time. 

unwelcome.

have you ever walked into a place and instantly felt that horrible feeling of being unwanted or unwelcome; like something is wrong and this place, where you are right at that very moment, is a place that you should not be in? you'd think i was talking about a room at school, or a store.. something along those lines. i never thought i'd feel that feeling walking into my own house; the house i grew up in, the only place that i have ever called home until 9th grade, the only home i laid down at night and slept in my bed, in my room. ever since my parents split, its been the weirdest feeling every time i pass my daddys house, which used to be my home, i get sick to my stomach. i don't think i realized how much things have changed until tonight. i went over to his house, with his new gf and nana and pops to have dinner.. and put up the tree and all. it was so weird because i was putting up a tree in my old home, but it wasn't with my family. it wasn't like it always was. you'd think the first christmas would hurt me more than this one, the second one. but the thing that really got to me was after the tree was up, i went into what used to be my room and laid in my old bed, and just stared at the ceiling. i think it finally sunk in... that wasn't my room anymore, this wasnt my home, all traces of me ever living there were gone. my room was empty and ghost like.. and right away i got that feeling that i wasnt welcome anymore.

divorce is a hard thing to deal with. i never thought that my parents would seperate and when it happened it was the biggest blow to the head and heart. its still weird to think about.

also, you hurt me bad today. those words you said.. wow. i dont think i've ever felt worse than i did today. nice going.

the stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most wont hurt you again. 

i miss you. i wished you missed me back. 

oh, it's that time already?

I thought Christmas time was supposed to be "The Best Time of The Year"..

lately I don't know what that saying is supposed to mean. 

I've realized nothing is ever going to be perfect. Ever. Things will start going wonderful, and then hit rock bottom, just like that. It never fails. It's life. 

My life has been a lot of changes lately. Some things I'm not to happy about, but others, I'm feeling so good about. I've gotten a gym membership. I'm working out everyday now and getting in shape and feeling better about myself and my body and being comfortable in it. I'm being a better, healthier me. That's one good thing. I've also downloaded SO much music lately and it's been making me SO happy. I don't think people understand how important music is to me. It lets me forget. I'm meeting new people, stepping outside of my not so comfort zone, just my different zone. 

I'm not going to be around forever. I'm not going to be waiting around forever for you and you have to realize that. I can't keep doing this on and off thing. I know most of it is my fault, because I always do the thing to make it go off, but I can't take the pressure anymore. I'm done with the arguing. I'm done with the nagging. I'm just done. I feel like I'm moving on, like I'm finally getting over you, but it's weird because you aren't here with me. I still feel like I should be wrapped up in your arms laying in your bed, you playing with my hair and giving me the sweetest kisses like the last time i was with you. But I haven't really spoken to you in over a week. We aren't close anymore. You aren't my bestfriend anymore and it's SO fucking weird. I feel like you're supposed to be here. I feel like you don't open up to me anymore at all. I feel like I should give up all together on you, just be done.  Too bad that's much easier said than done. 

the best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting..

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you i'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may of failed
But I have loved you from the start
Ohhhh

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cuz talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When your asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

i miss those goodnight texts.

wow, i haven't written in about a week. here's whats been going on in ol madtown.

my great grandmother passed away and i had to go alabama for the funeral last wednesday. not cool. come home and our cable and internet is out.. thanks suntrust. so thanksgiving was really good though. it was nice to eat my face out. haha.  but the rest of the weekend sucked.. i just can't even describe it. it's been filled with pain, tears, fights, puke, 36 hours of sleep.. ugh.

although so much has gone on i dont really know what to say.. so i'm gonna let these words do the talking..

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorcerous
Cause you just, did the impossible, gained my trust
Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over
Cause if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
Cause I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is "evol", spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion what'so ever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'fuckin' hoes

Blood-suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this?
I've tried in this department, but, I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over
I've got a hole in my heart from some kind of emotional roller-coasta';
Somethin' I won't go on till you toy with my emotions, so it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova.

I miss those blue eyes, the way you kissed me at night. I miss the way we sleep, like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile, i miss the way we breathe. 

Cause when it's going good, It's going great, I'm Superman with the wind in his bag she's Lois Lane, but when it's bad it's awful I feel so ashamed.

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I'd roll my eyes and then you'd pull me in
I'm not much for dancing, but for you I did
Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions 

And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

 

the thing i've learned, you see, is that lies are full of the truth. somehow, deep in it's twisted roots, that lie shows the naked truth. just think about it. it makes sense to me. you don't want to say the flat out truth, so you swerve around it. 

i've also learned that everyone will disappoint you. it's like a promise. it's going to happen no matter what, and there is nothing you can do about it. it's life. but you can't let that ruin everything. of course if they let you down multiple times, reaching an unacceptable point, then you shouldn't have to put up with it anymore. but you can't stay mad when the person you count on lets you down. you just can't, because it was bound to happen one day. remember that.. i'm trying to. 

i've been given out chances every time and all you do is let me down..

i hate sounding like this but this has been one of the worst weeks imaginable. here's the run down, if you care. if not, skip this part. monday i woke up with a feeling that i shouldn't go to school. my gut was telling me that something was wrong. i go anyway.. drug test. cool. pass with flying colors, but i feel bad for many of my friends.. ugh. the days just drag on and on. school is terrible. i don't want to be there. wednesday.. bad night. i finally tell you. it meant nothing. ruined the night. ruined the next day as well. i dont think i've ever cried in class until that day. luckily nobody saw. ha. that night. possibly the best night of my life in so long. so so so long. one word. harry potter. midnight. amazing. then you. i dont think i've felt more alive than being there with you. your voice just made me feel at ease. kinda crazy. it meant soooo much to me. i dont think you'll ever know. then the trouble starts. i swear, right when things start going good, something bad happens that pulls us apart. and it's always my doing. i should have listened to you and just gone to school. but no, i'm stubborn. grounded. joy. uneventful friday night. saturday full of cleaning out the garage. sunday full of the same thing. awesome. 

you ever get that feeling that things aren't right? like.. hmph. it's kind of hard to explain what i mean. it's like you feel like something is just awkward, or you're not facing something, or hiding around some thing that needs to be shown. you feel like you're trying to make something work when you have this feeling something has changed. you have that feeling that there is something you don't know, it makes you not trust, not open up. you become caged up scared of what you're going to find out, terrified that it is only going to make things worse and you really can't handle something else. but what could it be? it honestly could be just you. your silly little head making up something in your mind, twisting and turning things because of the past. but maybe there is something. yet again, maybe not. 

these words seem to be helping me keep sane lately. my granny just slipped into a coma this morning.. and my other great grandma is not doing so hot either. i thought thanksgiving was a time of happiness and family, not mourning. 

"death is new life, the world is painful, amazing but painful, in death, beauty is found, breathlessness cannot be found, heaven exists whether you know it or not, perfection and solace can be discovered, our minds are not allowed to comprehend, our minds mustn't understand that which lies ahead, the longing for that guides us where we must go" -gst

remember this. 

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. "
Bob Marley

so i end here. i dont think i've ever been so confused about everything. literally everything. hopefully sleep will bring a better week, a better tomorrow. 

pax. 

a better me.

i've decided to make a vow to myself. a promise. lately i've noticed i'm not the healthiest little girl on the block and that needs to change. no more sitting around, no more cokes, no lazyness, no more love handles, or belly bumps. i'm making a vow to myself to become healthy, active and lean. become more comfortable with my body and how i look, become more confident then ever. i'm going to. i've told this to myself before, but now i have to live up to it. i can't let myself down once again for being lazy. it's going to change. right now.

along with this bodily change, i need to make changes in myself as well. i don't need to become so jealous, or so attached to things or people, for i have learned that everyone lets you down at one point. but you must forgive, not always forget though. i can't be the other girl anymore. i can't be the one in the back, the not so confident one. i'm going to become proud to wear tight clothes and be excited to put on a bathing suit. yes. soon.

okay alyssa.. don't break this promise. you can do it!