growing up.

when i was younger, i couldn't wait to grow up. i would look at my sister and brother when they were in high school, or babysitters.. anyone. i couldn't wait to be 16, so i could drive and do whatever i wanted to do, because i was old and i was grown. i wish i was younger again. i wish i could go back to the days where all i had to worry about was what i was going to bring to show and tell, what mama packed for lunch today, to the day when i thought boys had cooties and i could spend hours using my imagination playing with toys. i didn't have to worry about everything i face now, right this second. death, cheaters, liars, lovers, grades, pain, endless things.

when i look back to when i was little, i remember thinking that when i turn 16 i'll be able to do anything. what i didn't know was i could do more then than i can do now. 

death. hurt. pain. 

when i was younger, i never thought i'd have to face any of this. i thought i was going to be invincible, superwoman. boy was i wrong. at only 16, i've been to more funerals than i want to think about. the first time i had to face death was when my uncle passed away. i was only, god, 6? i remember that day to the T. i was wearing a purple tshirt with some jeans and some goofy socks i got for christmas. my cousins were over and we were watching a movie. it was the day before my birthday so i couldn't be more excited and happy. then daddy pulled me into the kitchen and sat me up on the counter and told me that uncle lance was gone, that he left and went to heaven. i remember not really knowing what he meant, but i knew i was supposed to be upset, sad. he told me not to tell will or lindy yet, that i had to stay in my room. the funeral was so hard. that was the first time i saw anyone in my family cry.. my mama, daddy. grandma and grandaddy.. everyone. then poppy went... that was the first funeral i understood. it hurt so bad. all i wanted to do was run out of the chapel. then kathleens mama.. that was THE hardest funeral. the hardest day of my life soon came after that. the morning we got the call about austin shook me to the bone. that chill hasnt left my body yet. i dont think i had ever seen my brother cry before that day.. and that image stays in my mind perfectly. the first time i saw austin laying in that bed broke my heart. it took my breath away.... it really was the hardest day. caleb.. brays mom.. anthony's accident.. luckily there were those who made it through the pain, who were and are strong. i never thought the day would come when my friends would be put in pain and i would be the one facing deaths and hurt at such a young age, because really, i'm still just a little girl. 

boys. love. hate. 

i always thought that life would be a cinderella story. talk, dark and handsome would come sweep me off my feet and we'd fall in love and grow old together. if thats not a joke, then i dont know what is. you were the first person i ever loved. i can honestly say that i fell in love with you, even if i was never with you. you hold a special spot in my heart, and you always will. i'll be there for you 30 years down the road, i can promise you that. but then i knew i couldn't be with you. you weren't really mine. then you came along. the bad boy mama always warned me about. god did i love the bad boy thing. you were perfect. i still care about you after all this time, i really love you. after all the fights and lies, cause i always went back to those good times. they overruled any bad thing. ...i honestly dont have any words right now..

lies. 

you'd think that since they're your bestfriends, that wouldn't lie to you, theyd tell you the truth, just like you do. surprise. you'd think they wouldn't try to get with your bestfriend. surprise. youd think promises were real. surprise, once again. you'd think you'd want to hate everyone when they lie to you. well, big fucking surprise. you cant. 

i've realized that in life, youre going to be used, hurt, lied to, stomped on, used some more, (ironic! taylor swift's never grow up just came on my itunes) loved, hated, used, wanted, needed, yelled at, hit, and broken. the world is  a harsh place, but even through all of this you have to have fun, you have to make the most out of life. take chances, do daring things, be the person YOU want to be, not the person they want you to be.

i dont want to grow up.  

title.

I really should be sleeping right now, or at least studying some more. i cant. stress is eating me up. i keep doing the stupidest things and making everything just so much more complicated than they should be. i'm only worrying about you, and because i'm doing that, it's screwing up everything else. 


i really dont wanna go through any of this anymore. every day seems like a struggle to understand who or what to believe. my bestfriends are lying to me about the simplest things. and then other people about bigger things. i dont want to be surrounded by liars, but it seems like that's all everybody is. people lie to make things sound interesting, or to cover something up. but all that does it make life complicated, because that lie leads to another and so on and so forth. i love every single one of my friends, but just be real. 


i dont know whats getting into me lately. i've been on my toes about everything. its not good because i'm starting to assume things and i'm wrong. but before i find out i'm wrong i blame whoever about something. i'm so quick to do that. and i hate that about myself. i wish i could change that right now. but i can't. but i'm trying. i am. 


i'm sorry. these words seem to come out of my mouth a lot these days. before i used to just say these words as a reaction, they didnt mean anything really. but now.. these words go through my head and wrack my brain to pieces. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. what do these words mean? i'm sorry for what i did. i regret it, i want to take it back. i want to make it better, i'm going to fix it, i'm going to try and do my best to fix it, to fix me, i'm gonna make it up to you. i wont do it again. i'm sorry.


sometimes i wish i could lay in my bed all day, or wherever i feel the best at, and just sit in silence all day to listen and think. yes, i'd probably go crazy, because i would hassle my mind to no end and make up crazy stories in my head about stupid things. but it would also be helpful, to learn something about myself that i didnt know before. so maybe that thing i find, which may be good or bad, could be enhanced, or changed. although i want to do this, right now doesnt seem like the best time. 


i'm ready for my brother to get home. i have so much to tell him and so much to hear about his stories while in Vietnam. i really miss him. it sucks. 


on a side note, i've started biting my nails and lip again. this cant be good. 






Something my brother found on writesomething.com (or something like that).
it's possibly my favorite thing i have ever read. dwell on it. 




The world is meaningless, there is no God or gods, there are no morals, the universe is not moving inexorably towards any higher purpose. All meaning is man-made, so make your own, and make it well. Do not treat life as a way to pass the time until you die.Do not try to "find yourself", you must make yourself. Choose what you want to find meaningful and live, create, love, hate, cry, destroy, fight and die for it. Do not let your life and your values and you actions slip easily into any mold, other that that which you create for yourself, and say with conviction, "This is who I make myself". Do not give in to hope. Remember that nothing you do has any significance beyond that with which imbue it. Whatever you do, do it for its own sake. When the universe looks on with indifference, laugh, and shout back, "Fuck You!". Rembember that to fight meaninglessness is futile, but fight anyway, in spite of and because of its futility.The world may be empty of meaning, but it is a blank canvas on which to paint meanings of your own. Live deliberately. You are free.

slacker.

yes, yes i know. i have been the biggest slacker lately. i felt like today i needed to just let everything out. this has been some of the hardest weeks, and it just keeps getting worse.

i never knew how emotional i could get, just over small things. how such small things can have such a huge impact on me.

you.. everytime i see you, i seriously get sick to my stomach. you. why should i be jealous of some girl that i dont even know? because.. you had him. you give me the most hateful looks everyday, and it breaks my heart over and over again. i can't look at you. i get so sick to my stomach. i see you and think that youre the one that i'm sposed to be like, look like, act like.

you.. you've helped me so much lately. i dont see how you deal with all of my problems when you've gone through such a huge loss, but you help me so much. yeah, your his bestfriend, but you get me. you listen to me and try to make me feel better. and i want to thank you so much for that.

you.. i can't believe your gonna be gone soon. not cool. i'm stealing you and keeping you here.

you.. you always come in at the wrong time.. or maybe the right time. the day it happened, you called me up, asking if i was okay, telling me you'd be here in heartbeat if i needed a shoulder or someone to just hold on to. my heart was broken and of course you were the first one to come to me. you've always been so important to me. you have a special place in my heart.  but now your "back" in your way, but i dont know if i can do it. i'll end up being broken again. and i dont want that. i dont want you. not this time. i dont want you anymore.

you.. this is seriously hurting my heart more than you know. seeing you, its like a jab in the throat every time i glance at you. you never knew. you never knew how i felt, and who knows if you ever will. my heart is aching. youll never want it back. i know how it all works. i've used it before. i feel like i'm supposed to be someone else, to be her, or her. that i can't tell you how i feel, what i want, what i need. i can't tell you how i miss you. how much im sorry. i can't tell you that i love you. you dont want to hear it. you never will. it wont be the same, and i know that. i just have to face it. 

my doggie Liz had puppy labradoodles last wednesday!!! they are the most adorable things i have ever seen. she had 7, but the runt sadly passed away. he couldn't keep warm. :( but they are amazing! i'm trying to pick out the one to keep... lordy, 4 dogs? haha. 

i still wish i was in Paris. i had no worries there. seriously. just send me back there. 

ive been thinking about just shutting on everything. my phone, my computer, everything.

i dont want to deal with any of this. i havent slept in weeks. 

i'm ready for my brother to come home. i think i miss him more than you could know. 

ugh.

"and sometimes i wish when i turned over to say goodmorning you were there to answer."

hmph.

"Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least that one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, and then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see him again."


Possibly the most fitting quote ever for me. Everything is so confusing. Life. HA. 


ANYWAYSSSS.
PARIS WAS AMARRRZINGG!!! of course. we had the BEST time. i dont really feel like typing out all about the trip right now. i'm still so jet lagged.. or however you spell it? seriously have gotten like 5 hours of sleep in two days. sucks. but i have to go. project on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for Psychology due tomorrow to present. yayyyyy. 


gooooodnight :)