growing up.

when i was younger, i couldn't wait to grow up. i would look at my sister and brother when they were in high school, or babysitters.. anyone. i couldn't wait to be 16, so i could drive and do whatever i wanted to do, because i was old and i was grown. i wish i was younger again. i wish i could go back to the days where all i had to worry about was what i was going to bring to show and tell, what mama packed for lunch today, to the day when i thought boys had cooties and i could spend hours using my imagination playing with toys. i didn't have to worry about everything i face now, right this second. death, cheaters, liars, lovers, grades, pain, endless things.

when i look back to when i was little, i remember thinking that when i turn 16 i'll be able to do anything. what i didn't know was i could do more then than i can do now. 

death. hurt. pain. 

when i was younger, i never thought i'd have to face any of this. i thought i was going to be invincible, superwoman. boy was i wrong. at only 16, i've been to more funerals than i want to think about. the first time i had to face death was when my uncle passed away. i was only, god, 6? i remember that day to the T. i was wearing a purple tshirt with some jeans and some goofy socks i got for christmas. my cousins were over and we were watching a movie. it was the day before my birthday so i couldn't be more excited and happy. then daddy pulled me into the kitchen and sat me up on the counter and told me that uncle lance was gone, that he left and went to heaven. i remember not really knowing what he meant, but i knew i was supposed to be upset, sad. he told me not to tell will or lindy yet, that i had to stay in my room. the funeral was so hard. that was the first time i saw anyone in my family cry.. my mama, daddy. grandma and grandaddy.. everyone. then poppy went... that was the first funeral i understood. it hurt so bad. all i wanted to do was run out of the chapel. then kathleens mama.. that was THE hardest funeral. the hardest day of my life soon came after that. the morning we got the call about austin shook me to the bone. that chill hasnt left my body yet. i dont think i had ever seen my brother cry before that day.. and that image stays in my mind perfectly. the first time i saw austin laying in that bed broke my heart. it took my breath away.... it really was the hardest day. caleb.. brays mom.. anthony's accident.. luckily there were those who made it through the pain, who were and are strong. i never thought the day would come when my friends would be put in pain and i would be the one facing deaths and hurt at such a young age, because really, i'm still just a little girl. 

boys. love. hate. 

i always thought that life would be a cinderella story. talk, dark and handsome would come sweep me off my feet and we'd fall in love and grow old together. if thats not a joke, then i dont know what is. you were the first person i ever loved. i can honestly say that i fell in love with you, even if i was never with you. you hold a special spot in my heart, and you always will. i'll be there for you 30 years down the road, i can promise you that. but then i knew i couldn't be with you. you weren't really mine. then you came along. the bad boy mama always warned me about. god did i love the bad boy thing. you were perfect. i still care about you after all this time, i really love you. after all the fights and lies, cause i always went back to those good times. they overruled any bad thing. ...i honestly dont have any words right now..

lies. 

you'd think that since they're your bestfriends, that wouldn't lie to you, theyd tell you the truth, just like you do. surprise. you'd think they wouldn't try to get with your bestfriend. surprise. youd think promises were real. surprise, once again. you'd think you'd want to hate everyone when they lie to you. well, big fucking surprise. you cant. 

i've realized that in life, youre going to be used, hurt, lied to, stomped on, used some more, (ironic! taylor swift's never grow up just came on my itunes) loved, hated, used, wanted, needed, yelled at, hit, and broken. the world is  a harsh place, but even through all of this you have to have fun, you have to make the most out of life. take chances, do daring things, be the person YOU want to be, not the person they want you to be.

i dont want to grow up.