title.

I really should be sleeping right now, or at least studying some more. i cant. stress is eating me up. i keep doing the stupidest things and making everything just so much more complicated than they should be. i'm only worrying about you, and because i'm doing that, it's screwing up everything else. 


i really dont wanna go through any of this anymore. every day seems like a struggle to understand who or what to believe. my bestfriends are lying to me about the simplest things. and then other people about bigger things. i dont want to be surrounded by liars, but it seems like that's all everybody is. people lie to make things sound interesting, or to cover something up. but all that does it make life complicated, because that lie leads to another and so on and so forth. i love every single one of my friends, but just be real. 


i dont know whats getting into me lately. i've been on my toes about everything. its not good because i'm starting to assume things and i'm wrong. but before i find out i'm wrong i blame whoever about something. i'm so quick to do that. and i hate that about myself. i wish i could change that right now. but i can't. but i'm trying. i am. 


i'm sorry. these words seem to come out of my mouth a lot these days. before i used to just say these words as a reaction, they didnt mean anything really. but now.. these words go through my head and wrack my brain to pieces. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. what do these words mean? i'm sorry for what i did. i regret it, i want to take it back. i want to make it better, i'm going to fix it, i'm going to try and do my best to fix it, to fix me, i'm gonna make it up to you. i wont do it again. i'm sorry.


sometimes i wish i could lay in my bed all day, or wherever i feel the best at, and just sit in silence all day to listen and think. yes, i'd probably go crazy, because i would hassle my mind to no end and make up crazy stories in my head about stupid things. but it would also be helpful, to learn something about myself that i didnt know before. so maybe that thing i find, which may be good or bad, could be enhanced, or changed. although i want to do this, right now doesnt seem like the best time. 


i'm ready for my brother to get home. i have so much to tell him and so much to hear about his stories while in Vietnam. i really miss him. it sucks. 


on a side note, i've started biting my nails and lip again. this cant be good. 






Something my brother found on writesomething.com (or something like that).
it's possibly my favorite thing i have ever read. dwell on it. 




The world is meaningless, there is no God or gods, there are no morals, the universe is not moving inexorably towards any higher purpose. All meaning is man-made, so make your own, and make it well. Do not treat life as a way to pass the time until you die.Do not try to "find yourself", you must make yourself. Choose what you want to find meaningful and live, create, love, hate, cry, destroy, fight and die for it. Do not let your life and your values and you actions slip easily into any mold, other that that which you create for yourself, and say with conviction, "This is who I make myself". Do not give in to hope. Remember that nothing you do has any significance beyond that with which imbue it. Whatever you do, do it for its own sake. When the universe looks on with indifference, laugh, and shout back, "Fuck You!". Rembember that to fight meaninglessness is futile, but fight anyway, in spite of and because of its futility.The world may be empty of meaning, but it is a blank canvas on which to paint meanings of your own. Live deliberately. You are free.