unwelcome.

have you ever walked into a place and instantly felt that horrible feeling of being unwanted or unwelcome; like something is wrong and this place, where you are right at that very moment, is a place that you should not be in? you'd think i was talking about a room at school, or a store.. something along those lines. i never thought i'd feel that feeling walking into my own house; the house i grew up in, the only place that i have ever called home until 9th grade, the only home i laid down at night and slept in my bed, in my room. ever since my parents split, its been the weirdest feeling every time i pass my daddys house, which used to be my home, i get sick to my stomach. i don't think i realized how much things have changed until tonight. i went over to his house, with his new gf and nana and pops to have dinner.. and put up the tree and all. it was so weird because i was putting up a tree in my old home, but it wasn't with my family. it wasn't like it always was. you'd think the first christmas would hurt me more than this one, the second one. but the thing that really got to me was after the tree was up, i went into what used to be my room and laid in my old bed, and just stared at the ceiling. i think it finally sunk in... that wasn't my room anymore, this wasnt my home, all traces of me ever living there were gone. my room was empty and ghost like.. and right away i got that feeling that i wasnt welcome anymore.

divorce is a hard thing to deal with. i never thought that my parents would seperate and when it happened it was the biggest blow to the head and heart. its still weird to think about.

also, you hurt me bad today. those words you said.. wow. i dont think i've ever felt worse than i did today. nice going.

the stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most wont hurt you again. 

i miss you. i wished you missed me back. 

oh, it's that time already?

I thought Christmas time was supposed to be "The Best Time of The Year"..

lately I don't know what that saying is supposed to mean. 

I've realized nothing is ever going to be perfect. Ever. Things will start going wonderful, and then hit rock bottom, just like that. It never fails. It's life. 

My life has been a lot of changes lately. Some things I'm not to happy about, but others, I'm feeling so good about. I've gotten a gym membership. I'm working out everyday now and getting in shape and feeling better about myself and my body and being comfortable in it. I'm being a better, healthier me. That's one good thing. I've also downloaded SO much music lately and it's been making me SO happy. I don't think people understand how important music is to me. It lets me forget. I'm meeting new people, stepping outside of my not so comfort zone, just my different zone. 

I'm not going to be around forever. I'm not going to be waiting around forever for you and you have to realize that. I can't keep doing this on and off thing. I know most of it is my fault, because I always do the thing to make it go off, but I can't take the pressure anymore. I'm done with the arguing. I'm done with the nagging. I'm just done. I feel like I'm moving on, like I'm finally getting over you, but it's weird because you aren't here with me. I still feel like I should be wrapped up in your arms laying in your bed, you playing with my hair and giving me the sweetest kisses like the last time i was with you. But I haven't really spoken to you in over a week. We aren't close anymore. You aren't my bestfriend anymore and it's SO fucking weird. I feel like you're supposed to be here. I feel like you don't open up to me anymore at all. I feel like I should give up all together on you, just be done.  Too bad that's much easier said than done.