slacker.

yes, yes i know. i have been the biggest slacker lately. i felt like today i needed to just let everything out. this has been some of the hardest weeks, and it just keeps getting worse.

i never knew how emotional i could get, just over small things. how such small things can have such a huge impact on me.

you.. everytime i see you, i seriously get sick to my stomach. you. why should i be jealous of some girl that i dont even know? because.. you had him. you give me the most hateful looks everyday, and it breaks my heart over and over again. i can't look at you. i get so sick to my stomach. i see you and think that youre the one that i'm sposed to be like, look like, act like.

you.. you've helped me so much lately. i dont see how you deal with all of my problems when you've gone through such a huge loss, but you help me so much. yeah, your his bestfriend, but you get me. you listen to me and try to make me feel better. and i want to thank you so much for that.

you.. i can't believe your gonna be gone soon. not cool. i'm stealing you and keeping you here.

you.. you always come in at the wrong time.. or maybe the right time. the day it happened, you called me up, asking if i was okay, telling me you'd be here in heartbeat if i needed a shoulder or someone to just hold on to. my heart was broken and of course you were the first one to come to me. you've always been so important to me. you have a special place in my heart.  but now your "back" in your way, but i dont know if i can do it. i'll end up being broken again. and i dont want that. i dont want you. not this time. i dont want you anymore.

you.. this is seriously hurting my heart more than you know. seeing you, its like a jab in the throat every time i glance at you. you never knew. you never knew how i felt, and who knows if you ever will. my heart is aching. youll never want it back. i know how it all works. i've used it before. i feel like i'm supposed to be someone else, to be her, or her. that i can't tell you how i feel, what i want, what i need. i can't tell you how i miss you. how much im sorry. i can't tell you that i love you. you dont want to hear it. you never will. it wont be the same, and i know that. i just have to face it. 

my doggie Liz had puppy labradoodles last wednesday!!! they are the most adorable things i have ever seen. she had 7, but the runt sadly passed away. he couldn't keep warm. :( but they are amazing! i'm trying to pick out the one to keep... lordy, 4 dogs? haha. 

i still wish i was in Paris. i had no worries there. seriously. just send me back there. 

ive been thinking about just shutting on everything. my phone, my computer, everything.

i dont want to deal with any of this. i havent slept in weeks. 

i'm ready for my brother to come home. i think i miss him more than you could know. 

ugh.

"and sometimes i wish when i turned over to say goodmorning you were there to answer."