more pain.

piercing jabs. knives. tears. pills. back rubs. screams. bitching. wanting. confusion. hurt. pain.

i thought this would get better. it's not. i can't do anything with letting out a cry of pain, a whimper, letting a tear fall. i thought the medicine would start working. it hasn't. i can't walk. i can't sit. i can't stand without wanting to cry. i'm not trying to throw a pity party for myself. i'm not that kind of a person. but i swear. i can not do this much longer. its always something. ALWAYS. there is never a moment when i can't worry about what the hell is going on inside my body and why its making me sick. of course there are people out there that have it so much worse than i do, like Laura Margaret... but she is so much strong than i am. i dont  think positive when i hurt. i just want to curl up and have someone to hold me letting me just let it out. but i dont have anyone like that. i can't do that with my mother.. it would kill her. she was so upset when i had whooping cough.. i would sit in the bathroom floor crying for hours, not able to eat or breathe for a month and a half and she just had to sit there and listen to it, and couldn't do anything about it. i dont want to make her feel that way again. i dont know where to run. the people i need are far away.. jess is in statesboro, ashley in monroe, kyle is busy, sims doesnt have a car, my brother is in vietnam, mini, holly, andy, mike, alice and dale all have lives outside of here and can't just take time for me. of course i love the people who i do have, but i dont want them to feel sorry for me. i dont want them to feel like they have to listen and say it will all be okay. i dont know what i want. i dont want to be a burden. i dont want to hurt other people. i dont want to talk about it. i dont want to try. but i need to cry. i need to talk about it. i need you back here with me, telling me to keep my head up and that everything is going to be alright no matter what. and that i WILL get better and that i'll be fine. because without you i dont believe it. i need your voice, to hear you whisper in my ear. 

i just needed to get all of that out. i'm tired and dont know what to feel anymore. i dont want anyone feeling sorry for me, or coming up to me saying how they wish it was better, because we all know that i do too. i just need someone here for me when i need that should, that voice, that touch. i need comfort.